A New Beginning.

So I created a new blog.

I was sick of having to check two different e-mails for my blog, and google+, and regular emails, so I have consolidated all of the previously said things into the one email that I use. So that called for me to create a new blog.

That being said, I am in the mood to blog. It happens now and then, and truthfully it's something I want to try and do more often. I feel that since I am terrible at communicating with some of my closest friends and family, this will give them more insight to my life.

My past blogs have been pretty...uhmm...depressing to read/write, if I do say so myself. Not that I can erase what I have said before, but I can try to begin with a clean slate.

A New Beginning.

I first must begin with explaining why I feel this new beginning is in order. As of late, I have become someone I don't like. People who know me, know me to be someone who is cheerful, positive, and pleasant to be around.

That hasn't been me for quite a few months now. I've been crabby, negative, frustrated, jealous, envious, tired, unmotivated, and the list goes on and on. Basically, the ones I love and see daily were seeing someone they didn't recognize. A stranger in their home. I didn't recognize myself.

For a while there I was really beginning to question our move to Minnesota. Maybe sometimes I still do. It's hard to know you are doing the right thing when it doesn't seem like God is showing you what to do. But how do I know what God wants me to do, if I have been so off track with him for so long?

What led me to become this way? I could blame it on a few things. Change, is definitely one of them. I usually like change. I don't know why this last years' change has affected me so greatly. I thought I was stronger than that.

ANYWAY. I am getting off track. My parents came to visit this weekend (I had an amazing time!), and my husband I had a good talk with my Dad (Mom you were sleeping by this time). Sidenote: I love my husband. His patience with me throughout the past months have been amazing. I don't know how he did it :End of sidenote. I won't go into the details (that I probably don't remember anyway!), but pretty much I realized that all I have been doing in the past months have been looking towards the future, or rather, looking towards a time when our life together would finally begin.

WAIT. Right there, Mrs. Stark. Big mistake #1.

Did I just say that I was looking towards a time when our life together would finally begin? Yep. It stinks, realizing that I have been wasting time looking into the future. And guess what? I even look to the past. Was I ever looking at today? And how life is here, right now, in this moment? I wasn't. But now that I am, I am excited to see myself gain, well, myself back. Life isn't perfect right now. And it may not be for quite a while - wait - actually, it won't ever be perfect. But God has given me this life, this moment, right now, and instead of looking to what it will be, or what it has been, I choose to enjoy it as it passes.

I also have been noticing a rather undesirable trait in myself.  Did you read it before, when I was describing who I had become? It begins with a "j" and finishes with "ealousy".

Yep. Jealousy. Big Mistake #2.

There I was, brooding in what others have. Newlyweds getting their dreamhouse before or soon after marriage, others getting the job of their dream while I sit here waiting to live out my passion for teaching, people seeming to get everything they desire, while my husband and I sit here with school loans, doctor bills, and as much as I love the family we are living with (they are amazing to us, and a blast to live with), the woman in me just plain wants to nest and make our own home. And honestly right now, I don't see our own place becoming a reality for years to come. The jealousy that began rising up in me began eating me up, getting angry at my friends who in reality I should be ecstatic for because they are being blessed! Of course I acted ecstatic on the outside, but who was I kidding? I am sure they could and/or still can see the jealousy sitting behind my eyes.

Jay and I have a very blessed life. I am DONE letting what we don't have cover up what we do have. Because we have so much. Perhaps it's not material. It doesn't need to be. Since when are we supposed to build up earthly treasures?



Okay. So, I'm not saying that I came to this revelation, and now everything is hunky dory. I'm not saying the jealousy is gone, and Ms. Negativity is all gone. But I am saying one thing:

I see the light in the darkness. God is good, I am blessed, my husband and I are blessed. And life is in the now. Not the tomorrow, or the yesterday.

This is a new beginning.