Hola!

Apartment is finally back in order. After moving back to MN, I gave myself a couple days to just...not worry about the mess of my things and making it clean again. When I finally did, I felt good. I always feel better when things are clean and organized.

By the end of this last week I was able to feel like Jay and I could be happy here, too, in MN. I'm not sure why the whole Tampa thing happened, but I'm sure I'll understand that soon. I'm okay and comfortable (even excited!) for what God has in store next. I have no idea where it will be. Perhaps Jay and I are supposed to stay here in MN for a while...perhaps not...perhaps we will end up somewhere else soon. You never really know. And I'm at a point where I'm comfortable not knowing. I'm applying for jobs and *hopefully* soon I will find one...because my "severence" pay will run out in just a couple weeks. That is one thing that is scary, but I know that we've always been okay. God has always somehow provided. So I'm trying not to stress about that.

Heather came this past weekend! It was so wonderful. My only regret (as it always is), is that it had to end. We adventured around Ikea, The Mall of America, Woodbury, introduced her to her first Indian meal, and we kicked butt in the gym a few times. :) As always, good talks and lots of laughs. I'm so blessed by her friendship!

Two weekends in a row, I've been able to hang out with some of my closest friends. Next weekend I won't be so lucky, but I can't complain too much since I'll be with my husband! It will be nice for us to have a couple days just us, with no plans (yet).

I'm not sure what I will do this week, besides apply for jobs. I guess I'm still on the sub-list for a school program (before and after school during the year, and summer program during the summer), so on Thursday I'll be helping them out, which means I'll have something to do besides hang out in the apartment! Woohoo! :)

Well this was another random post, but when you don't have much to do and you've got the apartment clean and have worked out and already ran errands, blogging seems appropriate :)

Adios, amigos!

Downsizing, Heather, Thor, Twilight, SHOWER!

Welcome to a random, no-nonsense blog! If you truly have no interest in reading this, please stop here. You're life will not be changed or moved. I just felt like blogging because I didn't want to get off my butt yet from my workout and shower. *eww-I probably should just get up*

So I've been trying this new thing...it's called "healthy living"-----maybe you've heard of it?

Yes. I sheepishly admit I haven't been taking care of my body. Which is probably not news, because well, when you don't take care of your body, it shows. I just want to be that older woman who looks great and can keep up with her kids and eventually grandkids. I want Jay and I to be old and healthy together!

Can I just say that it's REALLY not motivating when you've legitimately been working out and eating right, and you weigh yourself the next morning and find you've actually put on weight? No, it's not muscle gain...trust me I know I haven't been working out that long to have actually gained any muscle. Nevertheless, I will not lose hope and I will continue to do what I'm doing. I miss feeling great about my body...here's to take 799 of trying to get back in to shape. Haha...instead of saying, "we will see how long this one lasts", I'm going to say "I can't wait to fit back into those clothes!".

Anyway this isn't a blog about my adventure of getting back into shape.

It's just a blog of randomness.

So, I have an interview tonight. For a full-time nanny job. It's for a family of 3, and their child is a baby 9 mos. old! I can't wait to meet them. The mom sounds fantastic (I haven't talked to the dad, but I'm sure he's fantastic, too!). Here's hoping they will find me fantastic as well! :)

Right after my interview Heather will have made it alllllll the way here to Eagan, MN! We shall be spending the weekend going to Ikea, and Victoria's Secret (she doesn't know that yet, I have a coupon and I need...things there), which just happens to be at the MOA so if we spend some time there I won't be upset :) We shall probably also make it to my favorite late night cafe, Uncommon Grounds. Such a cozy atmosphere that makes you want to cuddle up to your beverage and talk with your friends! It shall be so wonderful! Shall, shall, shall! I used "shall" a lot in that paragraph. Do forgive me. Unless you enjoyed it. Then go ahead and continue in your brain enjoying that last paragraph.

Uhhhhhh...so Jay and I are trying to "downsize". In a couple months when our lease is up we plan on moving into a 1-bedroom apartment. Hopefully with a den, but if not we will deal! We've realized this 2 bedroom + Den is insanely large for us. But, we still have a lot of crap (term I use for the word "stuff" though I'm sure you figured that). So after I shower from that workout, I will be doing some organizing and "good-will-piling". And our den is just plain disorganized. I can't even sit at my piano. I would like to sit at my piano. I like my piano. Actually, I love my piano.

OH my gosh. My new favorite movie....Thor. It's not just because I find Thor very....handsome (Jay knows I have a little "celebrity appreciation" for Thor haha), but seriously? The movie kicks butt. And it's just one of those movies where something epic happens where you just want to make a "kick butt" face, throw your hands in the air and say "YEAH! UHHHH!". Which I did do in my brain...because the first time I watched it I was on the airplane and didn't want to make it awkward for those surrounding me. However, when I went to see The Avengers in the theater, you can bet your bottom dollar that I did that. Jay tried to bring me back down. I even clapped at the end. Sometimes those kick butt movies just are so awesome. I feel the same way about X-Men. And Wolverine. And Iron Man. And Transformers (just the first one). Okay, so it sounds like I like a bunch of movies based off comics. Strange, because I've never read them and really don't have an interest to. I just like the kick butt action. Unless it's a zombie/vampire movie. I generally have distaste for those. I wish I could say I felt that way about the Twilight movies. I'm SORRY, okay? But I read the books and I enjoyed them and while I did feel like vomiting much of the time I still enjoyed them. Sorry if that makes me lame. I don't think it makes me lame. But I know people out there think that makes me lame. And I'm sorry you have that stick up your butt. Jus' sayin'. I like what I like, and you like what you like. And I like some pretty cool things.

Okay. Random ramblings done. I feel gross and it's time to get in that cleanin' machine. And LET'S GET TO IT!

Silver Lining

Alright.

Tuesday night I went to bed crying because I didn't want to be there.

Yesterday I woke up feeling hopeless.

I spent most of the morning and early afternoon brooding in my sorrow. I had a cry fest with my Mom.

Billa came and got me out of the dark, depressing, apartment. We went for drinks and dessert. Yum. I needed that. I laughed and smiled. I enjoyed my Maple Butter Blondie and my Peach Sangria.

I went to bed appreciating that my husband was lying next to me.

I woke up still confused, still a bit heartbroken, but this morning, I felt hope. And the love and prayers coming from my friends and family.

It's all going to be okay. :)

Thank goodness, because I am not that person who broods in my own little pity parties.

Two steps forward and two steps back.

I was not supposed to be here today.

It's back to square one.

You know the song that says, "One step forward, two steps back"? I feel like my situation is more consistently like 2 steps forward, 2 steps back. Always back to square one, no improvement to show for it.

I took the job in Florida because it felt like it was all lined up to be that way. Like God pieced that job together for me. And that Jay and I would be starting our lives' in Florida, where we were meant to be for the unforeseeable future. Everything was going so well. Jay and I would finally have the opportunity to get out of the insurmountable amounts of debt I accumulated through school, we would finally be able to get some savings rolling, get a down payment for a house started, and most importantly, I thought I had found a job that I loved. A job that I enjoyed every minute of, a job that was bringing me back to the person I once was. Hardworking, quirky, fun to be around, positive, generally excited about life.

Yesterday at about 2:45 LA time, all of those hopes, all of those dreams, and anticipations were crumbled.

The family was very kind in how they let me go. They are a wonderful family. But just like any other family, they have to do what's best for their family. I don't blame them.

Here's what happened. This family had more than one nanny. And don't go all crazy in the brain when I say, that with me included, they had 3 nannies. Yes. It's excessive, the family knew that. It was actually quite seamless though. They had the comfort of knowing that there would be at least one person with each of their children at all times. Since they lead busy lives, and spend as much time with their children as they can (they are amazing, they really do get a lot of time with them, and every minute of it is so important to the parents, you can tell!), they need to be able to run out of the room at any given second for phone calls, emails, meetings, etc. And when they travel, they take two with, and the third stays home. With long vacations, they cycle through the nannies so that each nanny doesn't get overworked and gets to have time off. Well, as much as I loved the job I was noticing that there were many parts of the day where I didn't know what I should do with myself. Learning when to take over and jump in was tricky because I tried to stay so focused on making sure they got their time with their kids. It's hard when the family is home all day (they both work from home) because it's hard to gauge when you should step in and help, and when you should step back. The lines were always fuzzy.

I did think I was doing well at it. I got feedback from the main nanny and she said I was doing a very good job. The parents would tell me that I was great at always making sure I was nearby when needed. I guess I didn't know I was needing improvement.

But beyond that, the family has also realized that having that 3rd nanny available isn't as necessary as they once thought. So why pay a 3rd nanny salary if they aren't needed? It makes financial sense. I'm not angry with the family. I'm angry at my situation.

I'm also confused.

We moved to Minnesota and I began testing to become certified to teach in Minnesota.

I worked at a daycare, my first education related job out of college. I hated it. Every minute. So much stress, so much responsibility, overworked, underpaid, I came home every night crabby. Nobody wanted to be around me. This lasted for half of a year. I became an ugly person. I was negative all the time. I couldn't wait for the weekends as soon as Monday rolled around. I began hating the sound of music. I loved children but with the socioeconomics that I was dealing with, I found it very difficult to love those children.

So, I quit the daycare, and started subbing. I was making connections, enjoying some days, and life began to be a bit brighter. I began to grow weary, finding that I came home about 1/5 of the time saying that I had a good day. All the other days were tough. It's tough being a sub. You go to a different location everyday, kids know you don't have authority, and they abuse that. You don't get positive feedback, you don't get encouraged or told "good job!". I found one school that I made good connections at but it was in a district that I overall did not like. And you can't apply for jobs at one specific school. When you apply for teaching jobs in that district, and if you end up getting an offer to work in the district, they place you at the school that they want you at. And trust me, I would not have been happy with about 90% of the schools in that district. Not worth the risk.

So I decided to pursue nannying. Why? I looked at what I loved about children, though at that point in time I didn't know why I wanted to work with kids anymore. I looked back to the times when I loved it. I remembered what I loved about it, and decided nannying would be great for me because it would give me the opportunity to work one on one with children...to enjoy their everyday, to watch them grow and be a part of their lives....something you can't always successfully do in the world of teaching. Especially with the work load that teachers are being given...and it only becomes more and more of a load as time and politics go forward.

I found the perfect nanny job. Yes, I dare say perfect. It was perfect. It was as if God pulled everything I wanted out of a job and handed it to me. What else was I to think? Jay and I agreed I should take the job. We had felt a pull to Florida, so we prayed and felt it was God's plan for me to take it. That we would begin our lives' in Florida.

I took the job.

I got rid of [most of] my teaching things.

I stopped pursuing licensure in MN. My one year MN certification is now invalid. If I decide to go for it again, we have to dish out hundreds of dollars again that we don't have.

I dropped out of the music ministry at my church and the kids ministry too. (I know I can easily get involved again)

I packed up a BUNCH of things.

I spent money on things even though we didn't have the money because I knew we would make that money back and then some. Technology and clothes mostly. When you start a new job, clothes are usually something you need to buy, and so that was a given. The technology was making sure Jay and I would have good means of communication when we were apart. I'll likely be selling that technology. I can't really return all of my clothes.

I, for the first time in 2 years, felt like our life was moving in a good direction. That I could finally feel successful through my line of work, that I could finally enjoy it, and build a life that would someday be able to support our future family. To finally work towards a home.

Yesterday at 2:45 pm LA time, my world crumbled.

I'm sick of it crumbling.

I know, yes, I know (please don't do the preachy thing...it drives me CRAZY) that God has this under control. You don't need to remind me. I know things will be okay. I'm allowed to be frustrated and angry and confused and upset. But ultimately I know my world isn't actually crumbled. I just have to rebuild it...again...and I'm frustrated with that. Who wouldn't be? So please, leave alone the preaching about how God has a plan and how God has this under control, and the preaching about how God has something better in store...leave that in your brain. Just keep me in your prayers, that's all I ask. Both Jay and I in your prayers. We need it because we both thought we were doing this, that our lives were moving in a direction that we could not wait for. Leave the preachy talks in your brain...please.

I don't want to unpack my bags because I know that means this is really all over. I won't be working with those beautiful boys again. It's heartbreaking. I really did fall in love with them. It hurts so much that I couldn't say goodbye to them. I was given the opportunity but I was a wreck and I know I wouldn't have been able to say goodbye. I will miss their smiles, I will miss how they made me laugh, and watching them learn and grow.

Beautiful Things

I went on a walk today. For the first time in what seems like ages, I thought I'd play some music on my walk. I haven't enjoyed music leisurely in probably two years. I wish I was joking. I used to enjoy music leisurely every minute I could. Difficult times changed that for me.

Things have been changing so quickly, and wonderfully. For the first time, today, I had the actual urge to listen to music. Beautiful.

On my walk, my iPod came across Gungor. One of my [newest] favorite christian bands. It sent me on a Gungor spree. If you haven't listened to their album, "Beautiful Things", do it. Now. Every time I've ever listened to it, it's sent me into a beautiful time with my God.

So there I am walking, and I spot this:

A beautiful patch of flowers (maybe they're weeds, but beautiful nonetheless) amongst a dry, rather unsightly, patch of grass.

That sight mixed with this song (the video above), made me absolutely melt on the inside. God is beautiful, and makes beautiful things among ugly things. I've known that for a while. But you know that feeling you get, when things are reaffirmed to you? It's like learning it all over again.

This realization made me look at things around me differently. We live in a decent apartment complex here in Minnesota (not for much longer, though!). It has its unsightly moments, though. And walks in the past have never brought me to think the area surrounding me was beautiful. But God makes beautiful things out of his creation, even when man and time have destroyed much of it. God makes beautiful things out of us. I was not so beautiful in the past two years, my heart became rough and ugly.  

Things are changing, however, and God is making beautiful things out of my (and Jay's) life. It was beautiful before, but with the state of my heart and where it was, I could not see the beauty. No matter how much encouragement I got from my amazing husband or wonderful friends and family. 

Today's walk helped me to see the beauty resurfacing. 

Returning to Me

I had the morning off, so I took a nap and rode into town to check out the cute old-time shopping area nearby the ranch.

On my way there the radio was on, and while I usually turn it off to drive in silence (that only started in early 2011), I let it run for a little bit. The music began to lift my spirits! I forgot how much music can enlighten your day. Amazing, how God created your brain and aspects of music can really effect your mood.

Though I have played music in the past year or so, I've been ignoring it completely...which is so not me.

I feel myself slowly returning back into the upbeat, positive, music loving person I was, and it feels good.

After working with so many babies and 4 year olds at once, I began despising working with kids. I forgot how much of a joy they can be. I knew I couldn't give up on kids because I have a passion to work with them. So I stuck with subbing, in hopes of falling in love with children again.  There would be small moments every so rarely that I would feel that again, and I needed something different. I decided to pursue nannying in hopes that working one on one (or close to it) would help me remember why I loved working with kids. This job that I've taken has shown me the joy I can have when working with kids. I love my line of work again. These kids have shown me, this family has shown me, that I can love my work again. I was made to teach kids, even if it's not in a classroom setting.

When my husband asks me how my day was, I am consistently responding with, "It was great!" or "I had a fun day!", or something like that. That's what I've been hoping for in a job. That's who I used to be.

I used to love music, love kids, be positive even in rough times, enjoy the next work day, and love life. I lost that for a long time. And it's coming back, I am back. You have NO idea, how much joy I feel in my heart.

I am returning to me.

Learning the Ways of Floridian Life

Well, it's my second week of living in Tampa.

I love love LOVE it.

It's such a blessing to be finished with work and feel....uh...good about the day. It's such a blessing to be finished with work and look forward to the next day.

Maybe I'm in the "honeymoon"phase. But from what I can tell, the atmosphere of the home and the other people that have been around for years still love their job. So I see myself loving this job for years to come. Thank you, God, for this beautiful, wonderful, fantastic job. I couldn't have hoped for something this wonderful. I work for an amazing family, and with amazing people. I see your hands molding this job, and how you put this into place for me.

I think about my life without knowing these people and it seems wrong. I feel like this family, and these people were supposed to come into my life, or rather, I was supposed to enter theirs.

The only void? My husband. But, he'll be here soon enough. :) And before that I get to see places in America that I've never seen! So I feel like I am seeing the world this summer. I  am so looking forward to it! And the breaks I get this summer are very generous so I'll get to see him quite a bit. :)



I've been learning my way around this area in Tampa, too! I'm learning pretty quick, which is fun...but mostly I'm learning my way around it because I keep getting lost! Haha....


What else...I'm still pretty pale. Waiting for a time to go get a suntan! My legs are pretty scary to people here (not that they'd admit it), but oh man are they white! We go inside and outside quite a bit, but we are never outside for too long and if we are, I'm lathered up in 50spf sunscreen, which is probably a good thing :)

So, there's a Florida update. I'm loving it here. I was talking to my parents tonight on the phone, and my Dad asked me if I worked today...and I said, "nope! I even worked longer today than I was scheduled for!"...he commented on how happy I sounded. Let me tell you, months ago, I would have never sounded that happy after a long day at work. It's nice to see and feel the difference, the difference of enjoying your job vs. hating it.  :)

I'm still in the market for a church, so if y'all could keep that in your thoughts and prayers that would be great. Jay and I are hoping for a church we can get plugged into! It might be awhile since I won't be in Florida for the next two months or so (due to travel), but I know God has one out there for us!