Two steps forward and two steps back.

I was not supposed to be here today.

It's back to square one.

You know the song that says, "One step forward, two steps back"? I feel like my situation is more consistently like 2 steps forward, 2 steps back. Always back to square one, no improvement to show for it.

I took the job in Florida because it felt like it was all lined up to be that way. Like God pieced that job together for me. And that Jay and I would be starting our lives' in Florida, where we were meant to be for the unforeseeable future. Everything was going so well. Jay and I would finally have the opportunity to get out of the insurmountable amounts of debt I accumulated through school, we would finally be able to get some savings rolling, get a down payment for a house started, and most importantly, I thought I had found a job that I loved. A job that I enjoyed every minute of, a job that was bringing me back to the person I once was. Hardworking, quirky, fun to be around, positive, generally excited about life.

Yesterday at about 2:45 LA time, all of those hopes, all of those dreams, and anticipations were crumbled.

The family was very kind in how they let me go. They are a wonderful family. But just like any other family, they have to do what's best for their family. I don't blame them.

Here's what happened. This family had more than one nanny. And don't go all crazy in the brain when I say, that with me included, they had 3 nannies. Yes. It's excessive, the family knew that. It was actually quite seamless though. They had the comfort of knowing that there would be at least one person with each of their children at all times. Since they lead busy lives, and spend as much time with their children as they can (they are amazing, they really do get a lot of time with them, and every minute of it is so important to the parents, you can tell!), they need to be able to run out of the room at any given second for phone calls, emails, meetings, etc. And when they travel, they take two with, and the third stays home. With long vacations, they cycle through the nannies so that each nanny doesn't get overworked and gets to have time off. Well, as much as I loved the job I was noticing that there were many parts of the day where I didn't know what I should do with myself. Learning when to take over and jump in was tricky because I tried to stay so focused on making sure they got their time with their kids. It's hard when the family is home all day (they both work from home) because it's hard to gauge when you should step in and help, and when you should step back. The lines were always fuzzy.

I did think I was doing well at it. I got feedback from the main nanny and she said I was doing a very good job. The parents would tell me that I was great at always making sure I was nearby when needed. I guess I didn't know I was needing improvement.

But beyond that, the family has also realized that having that 3rd nanny available isn't as necessary as they once thought. So why pay a 3rd nanny salary if they aren't needed? It makes financial sense. I'm not angry with the family. I'm angry at my situation.

I'm also confused.

We moved to Minnesota and I began testing to become certified to teach in Minnesota.

I worked at a daycare, my first education related job out of college. I hated it. Every minute. So much stress, so much responsibility, overworked, underpaid, I came home every night crabby. Nobody wanted to be around me. This lasted for half of a year. I became an ugly person. I was negative all the time. I couldn't wait for the weekends as soon as Monday rolled around. I began hating the sound of music. I loved children but with the socioeconomics that I was dealing with, I found it very difficult to love those children.

So, I quit the daycare, and started subbing. I was making connections, enjoying some days, and life began to be a bit brighter. I began to grow weary, finding that I came home about 1/5 of the time saying that I had a good day. All the other days were tough. It's tough being a sub. You go to a different location everyday, kids know you don't have authority, and they abuse that. You don't get positive feedback, you don't get encouraged or told "good job!". I found one school that I made good connections at but it was in a district that I overall did not like. And you can't apply for jobs at one specific school. When you apply for teaching jobs in that district, and if you end up getting an offer to work in the district, they place you at the school that they want you at. And trust me, I would not have been happy with about 90% of the schools in that district. Not worth the risk.

So I decided to pursue nannying. Why? I looked at what I loved about children, though at that point in time I didn't know why I wanted to work with kids anymore. I looked back to the times when I loved it. I remembered what I loved about it, and decided nannying would be great for me because it would give me the opportunity to work one on one with children...to enjoy their everyday, to watch them grow and be a part of their lives....something you can't always successfully do in the world of teaching. Especially with the work load that teachers are being given...and it only becomes more and more of a load as time and politics go forward.

I found the perfect nanny job. Yes, I dare say perfect. It was perfect. It was as if God pulled everything I wanted out of a job and handed it to me. What else was I to think? Jay and I agreed I should take the job. We had felt a pull to Florida, so we prayed and felt it was God's plan for me to take it. That we would begin our lives' in Florida.

I took the job.

I got rid of [most of] my teaching things.

I stopped pursuing licensure in MN. My one year MN certification is now invalid. If I decide to go for it again, we have to dish out hundreds of dollars again that we don't have.

I dropped out of the music ministry at my church and the kids ministry too. (I know I can easily get involved again)

I packed up a BUNCH of things.

I spent money on things even though we didn't have the money because I knew we would make that money back and then some. Technology and clothes mostly. When you start a new job, clothes are usually something you need to buy, and so that was a given. The technology was making sure Jay and I would have good means of communication when we were apart. I'll likely be selling that technology. I can't really return all of my clothes.

I, for the first time in 2 years, felt like our life was moving in a good direction. That I could finally feel successful through my line of work, that I could finally enjoy it, and build a life that would someday be able to support our future family. To finally work towards a home.

Yesterday at 2:45 pm LA time, my world crumbled.

I'm sick of it crumbling.

I know, yes, I know (please don't do the preachy thing...it drives me CRAZY) that God has this under control. You don't need to remind me. I know things will be okay. I'm allowed to be frustrated and angry and confused and upset. But ultimately I know my world isn't actually crumbled. I just have to rebuild it...again...and I'm frustrated with that. Who wouldn't be? So please, leave alone the preaching about how God has a plan and how God has this under control, and the preaching about how God has something better in store...leave that in your brain. Just keep me in your prayers, that's all I ask. Both Jay and I in your prayers. We need it because we both thought we were doing this, that our lives were moving in a direction that we could not wait for. Leave the preachy talks in your brain...please.

I don't want to unpack my bags because I know that means this is really all over. I won't be working with those beautiful boys again. It's heartbreaking. I really did fall in love with them. It hurts so much that I couldn't say goodbye to them. I was given the opportunity but I was a wreck and I know I wouldn't have been able to say goodbye. I will miss their smiles, I will miss how they made me laugh, and watching them learn and grow.