Fable Realizations

So, I stayed up last night playing video games.

What? Yep. I said video games. I have recently been sucked into Fable. I beat Fable II and now I'm on Fable III, this time, with no help from my husband...because I'm just awesome like that (He pretty much helped me beat the whole game in Fable II).

Anyway. I'm not here to brag about my awesome gaming skillz. Or...make me look like a loser... :-P

I was playing video games and got this overwhelming sense of guilt. You see, I've been playing this game almost religiously. And I'm embarrassed to say that I've probably played about 2 hours a day...at least. That's a LOT of time in my day.

Topic switch. I have not been attempting to give my God any time at all throughout my days. To be honest, I don't want to. I used to love giving Him time everyday, and then somehow I lost interest. Probably because I didn't feel that the time with Him was worth it. I didn't "get anything" out of it. There was a time, however, that I did. I craved His Word daily, I craved talking to Him. I miss those days, when I felt so "filled". And when I began feeling "un-filled", I stopped.

Back to video games. So last night when I began feeling an overwhelming sense of guilt, I realized how much time I was giving to video games. And how much time I was not giving to the Lord. Certainly I could have spared an easy 5 minutes (at the very least) to read a passage in His Word and pray sometime in my day, but I didn't. And I wasn't.

So. This morning, before I turned on ANY electronics like my phone, TV, computer, iPod, etc (because once I do that I find it's hard to stop and give time to God) I ate my breakfast contemplating how to do devotions. To be honest I don't even know what to do anymore.

So after a long talk with God (recalling everything I've felt about my relationship with Him in the past few years) I cracked open my "The Daily God Book: A Year of Listening For God" and read the devotion for January 6th. It was about God's faithfulness through the generations. HA. That's something I definitely needed to read. But more importantly, after my reading I continued to talk with God.

After a random list of topics that I prayed about, I eventually ended up on a topic that had nothing to do with today's devotion. I realized that I stopped asking the Lord for opportunities to love people. Because, well, working in retail a year ago, let me just say loving on some people seemed impossible. GEEZ some of those customers can be hard to love. And if you've worked retail you know what I am talking about.

I realized why I stopped asking for those opportunities to love on people. It's because I was hoping to get opportunities to love people that I considered "easy to love". You know, the people who look like they are hurting, and just need a comforting word, or maybe a pat on the back. But heaven forbid I love on someone who has done me wrong. And those were the opportunities God kept on giving me.

God never wants to challenge you with something that's easy. Granted, there will be the times when it is easy to love, because well, those people do need love. But the people who aren't easy to love, they need love just as much. And I'm hoping to succeed at that one of these days. It won't be easy, but if I keep asking God for those opportunities, perhaps I will begin to succeed at loving the impossible.

So my challenge for the day, please feel free to join me :)...

Love on someone today who you don't think deserves it. They need it just as much as the rest of us.

Why I Love You (In no particular order)

You make me laugh.

You understand me. And even when I make no sense, you still love me.

You enjoyed Disney World with me. Even with my ridiculous childlike tendencies :)

You're the hardest worker I know. You deserve the world. 

You want the best for me. Even if it means you don't get what you want. You're selfless.

You see my heart.

You let me know when I'm being ridiculous.

You are honest. I can always trust your word.

You see my tears and try to mend them.

You enjoy cooking with me :)

You love IKEA.

You smell good.

You love God. And you want to please Him.

You care for others.

You want to help other people.

You enjoy making people happy.

You dance when no one is watching :)

You like every type of music ranging from William Fitzsimmons to Nikki Minaj.

You love your family.

You love my family.

You think I'm beautiful.

You open my car door. And shout "stop!" when I'm about to open my own car door.

You married me.

You have braved so many midnight showings, even though you don't like big groups of people.

You are thoughtful.

You make me feel like a superstar.

You understand that even though I say I'm okay, that I'm not.

You went behind my back with my Dad to make sure I had a piano to play <3

You love my love for playing music.

You have never seen me teach, but assume that I have to be the best.

You know I'm supposed to be a teacher. Even when I doubt myself.

You help do "chores" around the house. And I don't even have to ask.

You're so stinkin' handsome.

You're humble.

You were meant for me. God made you that way.

You love Nutella.

You get so passionate about your work.

You help me with every technology discrepancy.

You get so excited about the strangest things. Like Sour Patch Kids.

You buy me chocolate. 

You sing to me. I love it when you sing.

You are my technology geeky husband.

You have made me the happiest woman in the WORLD.

I think I could keep going, but it's time I move on with my day. Happy Birthday to the most amazing man I know. I love you, Jay Stark!

-starkstruck-

Life. As of recently.

Well?

Life has certainly taken a complete turn as of 2 months ago. It seems like yesterday I was sitting there, being a drama queen, whining and crying that life wasn't going the way I wanted it to.

I certainly learned a lot, and a lot about myself over the last year.  I am an anxious person. I tend to live in the future. I envy others. I'm very self-centered.

I also learned a lot to counter-act those not so great qualities I learned about myself. While I may be taking medicine to help my anxiety, I have learned to try and not sweat the small stuff. Or even the big stuff (that stuff is much harder to "not sweat" but I'm learning). I've learned to love what I have now, and to enjoy life NOW. I've learned that Jay and I have actually quite a bit. I love what we have and feel content with where we are. As far as being self-centered? Well it's a battle every day to remember that it's not all about me. But it's not.

So while the last year was probably the biggest struggle of my life, it taught me a lot and has helped me to realize many things. It wasn't all bad either, there were many things I enjoyed through the last year as well.

We are enjoying our new apartment. It was just as exciting as when we moved into our first place in Fond du Lac. Gathering things, and setting up our new place after living with others for over a year. We are enjoying our relatively new church, and the people we are meeting there. Jay is loving his new job and I enjoy subbing - it works until I can someday get a teaching job! Whenever that may be :) However I will need to find something for when sub jobs begin to die out and summer comes, but I'm not worried about that.

ANYWAY!

This last weekend was amazing. So was the weekend before that!

Last weekend Jay and I had our wonderful friends Heather and Tim visit. We had a blast at the Mall of America, IKEA, a late night cafe in Uptown called Uncommon Grounds, making "Pad Thai", and just enjoying eachothers' company. If only we could be closer so we could enjoy eachothers' company more often.

This past weekend I had my friend Laura over to make Christmas Cookies...which didn't turn out but we still made cookies and enjoyed eachothers' company! Jay and I went on a triple date with my grandparents-in-law :), my sister-in-law and her boyfriend. It was SO much fun. And we finished the Saturday with a duet with my friend Allison and ended the night with barrels of fun at Applebee's for half-price apps. Sunday involved church, visiting at the Jackson Resort, and finally, an Ugly Sweater Party.

So what does the next weekend bring? Christmas. After that, I'm hoping for a quiet weekend and then maybe eventually some more guests! :)

I couldn't say this 2 and a half months ago, because of where my heart was, but today I can finally say: I love life. Again. And it feels good.

The Ever Changing "Plan"

So. 

We moved to Minnesota with a plan.

That failed. And our plan changed.

And then that plan failed. (Pretty much we've decided our plans never work. Unless of course, they are the plan God has for us. Which I guess those plans haven't coincided yet. :) But that's okay.)

Our most recent plan that failed was that we would stick it out living with Jay's parents for a long time. We love living with them and they are amazing, but as many married couples could agree, sometimes married couples need their space. Especially newly married couples, who are trying to establish themselves as a married couple. So we planned on sticking it out for a year, or maybe even two years longer than we planned, so that we could save up for a down payment on a house.

Seriously. How do all these newlywed young couples afford a house so early on? I mean, loads of people I know haven't been married long, or haven't even been married yet! And they have a house purchased before they even get married, or get a house within what seems like weeks. Jay and I could potentially afford a house...except for one big issue: the Down Payment. Ohhhh the dreaded Down Payment. It seems so out of reach.

Like I said. That plan also failed. We reached a point last week where we decided it was time for us to move on. With Jay's new job (yay for weekends and nights with my husband!) we could easily save up for a down payment, except it would still take close to a year or more to get a decent down payment, even with a first time home buyers' grant. However, I (and Jay too) decided that it's really about time we get our own space.

So it's back to the renting world for us. Renting out an apartment. Not what we wanted originally, but if we are careful we will still be able to save up slowly. And if it allows us to build our newlywededness (sorry I think I just made that poorly spelled word up), then that's worth it. 

SO! :-D We are happy to report that we have found an apartment that will suit our needs quite well! We are both excited to start planning the set up, future furniture (that will be coming in slowly as time goes), and having our own space that we can call "our own". 

And guess what? Assuming it all goes to plan (which we have learned is not always the case), we will be renting a 2 Bedroom + Den apartment. What does that mean? It means there is a WHOLE room, waiting for wonderful guests to come and visit. :)

We are excited! If all goes to plan, we should be moving out December 1st! I guess it would be okay to pray for good weather? (And by that I mean no snow blizzard? And perhaps above freezing temps, if we are super lucky?)

Just a quick update. That's all folks! Time to make dinner :)

Sighs of relief.

I was so excited this weekend. For the first time in years, I would be playing music with a worship team, and even having the privilege of leading a song.

And then I woke up Saturday morning. I could hardly talk. MAN. Seriously? So Jay and I googled ways to get raspy voices doctored back to normal. I didn't talk at all on Saturday. That is, until Saturday night when I just got so bored of not talking. Did you know how much talking is so vital and important? It takes a lot of patience and work to communicate with no voice.

So. No talking. Lots of tea and honey with lemon, ricola, water, and ibuprofen (I learned from a trusted musician source that it could help).

So there we were (almost) all day, our friends Billa, and Cyle and Caleb (who came up from Fondy) got to spend all day with us. Man, oh man, was it a riot. Billa did a great job of helping the guys decipher what I was trying to say with my charade motions, and we had a few laughs (though mine were mainly silent) along the way.

Here are a couple pictures from our apple orchard excursion:

 The girls.

 A classic.

 The temporarily crippled Cyle trying to hop the rope.

I was grumpy in this photo because everyone was eating apples. And they shouldn't have.

At any rate, my voice improved and I was hopeful that by the next morning, I would be back in business. Hardly able to contain my excitement, I fell asleep Saturday night, in extreme anticipation of being a part of a worship ministry again.

Three a.m. rolls around. I wake up. I sit there, for what seems like FOREVER, but of course it's only a half hour later. I could not for the life of me fall back asleep! Which was sort of stinky because I knew I needed it. But in an attempt to not wake up Jay, I left the room and watched some movie with Michael J. Fox on OWN. Not exactly the best way to spend my time, but I was too tired to do anything else. Except fall asleep.

And then the time finally rolled around! EEK! Yippee! So I made it to the church for practice. But something was off.

Lights flickering, on and off, power going, beeps coming from the electrical units all over. Yep. The church lost power just moments before everyone arrived. And it wasn't seeming to come back on. Meanwhile, time is ticking and we were trying to figure out a backup plan just in case the lights didn't even turn on. We found flood lights and created a cool, intimate atmosphere.

Naturally, being in a huge room, with some guitars and a beautiful grand piano, and no microphones, I couldn't hear anything when I played. So I tried playing softly but it was still hard. Figuring that God meets us anywhere, that we would just figure it out and God would move through the worship.

Then. 8:20 rolls around. (1st service starts at 9) Power goes on, everything starts working. We figure, hey, if the power goes off again we are set, but might as well use it. So with less than 20 minutes to practice a whole set list with musicians I had never played with, we rocked it out. Service began and it went awesome!

Can I just say, I felt alive with that piano. With the other musicians, hearing the congregation singing along. I could hardly contain what was inside of me! That is what I was made for. That is what we were all made for. To give glory to our Creator. Even in times of discomfort and struggle. And man, times are uncomfortable and difficult right now. A few weeks ago I was not giving God glory. Things sucked. At least, I made them seem that way. With what I have learned in the past three weeks, I feel so different. I feel like I am regaining who I once was, back again.

Ahhhhhhhhhh. :) Sighs of relief.

So you think you have it all figured out, huh?

Yeah. I did too.

It flopped in my face. Like a big, fat, whale fin, slapping me in my face screaming, "Na na na na booo boo, you have no idea!!! Neenerr neeener neeeeeener!"

All my life, I figured teaching was my gig. I, Meladie Stark, was (may likely still be...no one knows at this point) going to be a teacher. And it was my calling. And it was my purpose. But also, worship was/is my calling. And also maybe my purpose. So five and a half years in school, BIG, FAT, BUTT loads of money later, I'm scared that things may be changing.

I sort of forgot about the worship thing. I missed it terribly, and look back at my times being a worship leader with reverence and nostalgia. Remembering it as the time when I felt like I was flourishing, like I was doing what I was supposed to do.

I also felt that way when I did my student teaching. Well, during most of it, anyway. So, Jay and I hung out in Fond du Lac, until I finished my Education Degree, so that we could move up to Minnesota, and find the teaching job of my dreams. Jay would find a Starbucks where he could pursue being a Starbucks manager. There in Minnesota, we would be happy. There in Minnesota, presumably in a couple months, we would have our own home, we would have our own life established. Oh, and we would have loads of friends by our side, having cool patio parties, laughing and smiling as we watch the sunset on a beautiful day.

BAH. HA. HA. HA.

Naturally, that sounds amazing. Naturally, we would want that to happen. Looking at that idea now, it almost makes me sick it's so happy. Like, when you watch romance movies and it's so flippin' sappy it makes you sick. Sort of like Edward and Bella. Sorry, but yeah, I just referenced Twilight. And yeah, I just referenced the fact that it makes me want to puke now and then. (But you can bet I'll be one of those sillies who goes to see it still in theatres. Don't judge me.)

Well, here we are, almost 8 months later, still living with in-laws, still jobless (on my part), and Jay just found out that he is forced to be demoted, resulting in a pay-cut. Oh and we are already broke. Anyway, this isn't a blog post about the frustrations of being in the negative, or hoping someone will take pity on us. We know and trust that God will bring us through this time, just as He does every other time. But, this is all a part of describing how our plan flopped in our faces.

So. Here we are, 8 months later, jobless and/or broke to the bone. No friends. Yes, we have family and we are gratetful for them beyond words, but I think we can all agree having friends makes the world of a difference in your life (Minus my dear friend Allison, don't want to exaggerate, here! And our friend Billa!) We still live with in-laws. We've lived with parents for a total of one year now. And up till a couple of weeks ago, we seriously considered moving back to Fond du Lac.

Not because we like the area, because we don't (sorry everyone over there, it just isn't the place for us!). Sure, we know people there which would be comforting and fun, but moving because of a couple friends isn't necessarily legit.  But we considered it. We were getting fed up with our unsuccessful ventures here in Minnesota. Jay and I discussed the idea, and I said, "Look. We've been going to this church for a few months, and we really haven't tried putting our feet out in the water to try and make friends. Let's try a little harder and see how it goes."

So we tried. I tried attending a young women's craft night. Jay contacted some guys in the young couples group (the young women's craft night is a part of the young couples group), and while I don't think the craft night was a huge success, it was a step in the right direction. Same with Jay. Two Sundays later, we actually had some of them approach us after the church service. THAT, my friends, was awesome.

Not to mention, the week after my craft night adventure, I contacted the Worship Director, in hopes of getting involved in the worship ministry. Since I love and miss being a part of a worship team.  I met with him that week, and YAY! I am a part of the team!

Alright! So Jay and I are beginning to see strides of improvement and success. Then....

BAM! It hits us like a ton of bricks. That was the weekend that Jay found out he had to step down as shift supervisor, and go back to being a barista. A pay cut, a set back for sure.  Then....

BAM! We are hit with another ton of bricks. I am (almost) offered a position as an interim worship leader. A job, no less, in my passion field of worship. I won't go in to details about the position, because I don't know where that is going quite yet.

So confusion sets in. More confusion continues to set in after we go to a great bonfire at the worship director's home. We had some amazing talks. And I realize, that yes, I love teaching, and yes, I love worship. So which one do I pursue? Of course, I can pursue both. But maybe not in the way I have always envisioned. Anyone else see the correlation between teaching and worship leading? They go hand in hand. This worship director is all gun-hoe in helping me further a ministry career in worship leading. He wants to get me there, if that's what I want to do! So now, the prayer phase begins.

And then more confusion sets in. After a long discussion about how being happy in life really revolves around finding out what you love to do, and pursuing it. So, the worship director asks Jay, "So, what do you love to do?" That is when Jay responds, "...I don't know." So another prayer phase begins.

Neither of us really know what we want to do. I've always known. At least, I thought I did. We have ideas on what we both want to do with our lives, but we are thinking it's a little different (or a lot different) than what we thought we wanted.

So, we've thrown away our plan. We have no idea what will happen next, but will follow what we think God is leading us to. Let me tell you, since we've thrown away our plan, we've seen so many things begin to brew.

And this is where we need you, fellow readers. We are praying steadfast for God's guidance and direction, and will in our lives. We need your prayers, too! We are excited, finally excited about what is next! We have NO idea what that is, which is scary and won't be easy, but you know what, we have the best Guide in our life we could possibly hope for. Our lives are taken care of. Amen.

I'm a klutz.

Yep! That's me! Mrs. Klutz-O.

I don't know why but the past couple weeks I find myself breaking things. Or scratching new cars. Or breaking favorite glasses. It's not like I try, I just end up breaking things.

It's eating at me more than it should. It's like I can't forgive myself for damaging these material things. Now every time I park my car I will park it far away from the imperfect vehicle. Every time I pick a cup to drink out of I will pick something plastic and old. What's next?  What else will I stress out over?

Bah. Something new I apparently need to work on. Just in case working on the jealousy and frustration of not having my will be done wasn't enough.

Yeah, I'm feeling overloaded and I am not really sure on how to start battling it all.

Although, I have begun to see progress. Just today there is a friend that I envy so much, you see, she has my dream job. Perfect age group to teach, and in a public school. That's what I want! And today she posted a status that made me get that pang of jealousy.

Yowch. I said to myself. And then I remembered...Hey, you. This is something you're trying to work on. You would hope your friends would be happy for you. So I thought about it, and I actually began feeling happy for my friend. I am so proud of her! She has accomplished her dream. And someday, I will too. God has that all mapped out already.



In other news I went out of my comfort zone and went to a young women's craft night that a group of women try to hold every month or so. I didn't know anyone there, I just went on the faith that I would find a way to converse with them and have a good time.

I did have a good time! I'm not saying I was 100% comfortable to be myself, but it was nice. I don't know if I'll be establishing relationships with them, I hope to, but I can't count on that. But I am proud of myself for stepping out there and doing that!

I also contacted the worship leader at this church we have been going to. I meet with him at the church next week! I am hoping to get involved and maybe make new friends! I miss leading worship, or being involved in leading worship. The lack of worship ministry has definitely impacted me spiritually.

I'm still apprehensive about everything here, but God certainly has a plan. Jay has been working on a business idea with his Mom and StepDad, and just recently some new exciting news has come out of that. The business has been quiet for a while, and then this past week (when I was getting way more discouraged than as of late), this new exciting news happened! That can't be an accident :)

And that's all for tonight, world. It's time for this tired woman to go to sleep.