Silver Lining

Alright.

Tuesday night I went to bed crying because I didn't want to be there.

Yesterday I woke up feeling hopeless.

I spent most of the morning and early afternoon brooding in my sorrow. I had a cry fest with my Mom.

Billa came and got me out of the dark, depressing, apartment. We went for drinks and dessert. Yum. I needed that. I laughed and smiled. I enjoyed my Maple Butter Blondie and my Peach Sangria.

I went to bed appreciating that my husband was lying next to me.

I woke up still confused, still a bit heartbroken, but this morning, I felt hope. And the love and prayers coming from my friends and family.

It's all going to be okay. :)

Thank goodness, because I am not that person who broods in my own little pity parties.

Two steps forward and two steps back.

I was not supposed to be here today.

It's back to square one.

You know the song that says, "One step forward, two steps back"? I feel like my situation is more consistently like 2 steps forward, 2 steps back. Always back to square one, no improvement to show for it.

I took the job in Florida because it felt like it was all lined up to be that way. Like God pieced that job together for me. And that Jay and I would be starting our lives' in Florida, where we were meant to be for the unforeseeable future. Everything was going so well. Jay and I would finally have the opportunity to get out of the insurmountable amounts of debt I accumulated through school, we would finally be able to get some savings rolling, get a down payment for a house started, and most importantly, I thought I had found a job that I loved. A job that I enjoyed every minute of, a job that was bringing me back to the person I once was. Hardworking, quirky, fun to be around, positive, generally excited about life.

Yesterday at about 2:45 LA time, all of those hopes, all of those dreams, and anticipations were crumbled.

The family was very kind in how they let me go. They are a wonderful family. But just like any other family, they have to do what's best for their family. I don't blame them.

Here's what happened. This family had more than one nanny. And don't go all crazy in the brain when I say, that with me included, they had 3 nannies. Yes. It's excessive, the family knew that. It was actually quite seamless though. They had the comfort of knowing that there would be at least one person with each of their children at all times. Since they lead busy lives, and spend as much time with their children as they can (they are amazing, they really do get a lot of time with them, and every minute of it is so important to the parents, you can tell!), they need to be able to run out of the room at any given second for phone calls, emails, meetings, etc. And when they travel, they take two with, and the third stays home. With long vacations, they cycle through the nannies so that each nanny doesn't get overworked and gets to have time off. Well, as much as I loved the job I was noticing that there were many parts of the day where I didn't know what I should do with myself. Learning when to take over and jump in was tricky because I tried to stay so focused on making sure they got their time with their kids. It's hard when the family is home all day (they both work from home) because it's hard to gauge when you should step in and help, and when you should step back. The lines were always fuzzy.

I did think I was doing well at it. I got feedback from the main nanny and she said I was doing a very good job. The parents would tell me that I was great at always making sure I was nearby when needed. I guess I didn't know I was needing improvement.

But beyond that, the family has also realized that having that 3rd nanny available isn't as necessary as they once thought. So why pay a 3rd nanny salary if they aren't needed? It makes financial sense. I'm not angry with the family. I'm angry at my situation.

I'm also confused.

We moved to Minnesota and I began testing to become certified to teach in Minnesota.

I worked at a daycare, my first education related job out of college. I hated it. Every minute. So much stress, so much responsibility, overworked, underpaid, I came home every night crabby. Nobody wanted to be around me. This lasted for half of a year. I became an ugly person. I was negative all the time. I couldn't wait for the weekends as soon as Monday rolled around. I began hating the sound of music. I loved children but with the socioeconomics that I was dealing with, I found it very difficult to love those children.

So, I quit the daycare, and started subbing. I was making connections, enjoying some days, and life began to be a bit brighter. I began to grow weary, finding that I came home about 1/5 of the time saying that I had a good day. All the other days were tough. It's tough being a sub. You go to a different location everyday, kids know you don't have authority, and they abuse that. You don't get positive feedback, you don't get encouraged or told "good job!". I found one school that I made good connections at but it was in a district that I overall did not like. And you can't apply for jobs at one specific school. When you apply for teaching jobs in that district, and if you end up getting an offer to work in the district, they place you at the school that they want you at. And trust me, I would not have been happy with about 90% of the schools in that district. Not worth the risk.

So I decided to pursue nannying. Why? I looked at what I loved about children, though at that point in time I didn't know why I wanted to work with kids anymore. I looked back to the times when I loved it. I remembered what I loved about it, and decided nannying would be great for me because it would give me the opportunity to work one on one with children...to enjoy their everyday, to watch them grow and be a part of their lives....something you can't always successfully do in the world of teaching. Especially with the work load that teachers are being given...and it only becomes more and more of a load as time and politics go forward.

I found the perfect nanny job. Yes, I dare say perfect. It was perfect. It was as if God pulled everything I wanted out of a job and handed it to me. What else was I to think? Jay and I agreed I should take the job. We had felt a pull to Florida, so we prayed and felt it was God's plan for me to take it. That we would begin our lives' in Florida.

I took the job.

I got rid of [most of] my teaching things.

I stopped pursuing licensure in MN. My one year MN certification is now invalid. If I decide to go for it again, we have to dish out hundreds of dollars again that we don't have.

I dropped out of the music ministry at my church and the kids ministry too. (I know I can easily get involved again)

I packed up a BUNCH of things.

I spent money on things even though we didn't have the money because I knew we would make that money back and then some. Technology and clothes mostly. When you start a new job, clothes are usually something you need to buy, and so that was a given. The technology was making sure Jay and I would have good means of communication when we were apart. I'll likely be selling that technology. I can't really return all of my clothes.

I, for the first time in 2 years, felt like our life was moving in a good direction. That I could finally feel successful through my line of work, that I could finally enjoy it, and build a life that would someday be able to support our future family. To finally work towards a home.

Yesterday at 2:45 pm LA time, my world crumbled.

I'm sick of it crumbling.

I know, yes, I know (please don't do the preachy thing...it drives me CRAZY) that God has this under control. You don't need to remind me. I know things will be okay. I'm allowed to be frustrated and angry and confused and upset. But ultimately I know my world isn't actually crumbled. I just have to rebuild it...again...and I'm frustrated with that. Who wouldn't be? So please, leave alone the preaching about how God has a plan and how God has this under control, and the preaching about how God has something better in store...leave that in your brain. Just keep me in your prayers, that's all I ask. Both Jay and I in your prayers. We need it because we both thought we were doing this, that our lives were moving in a direction that we could not wait for. Leave the preachy talks in your brain...please.

I don't want to unpack my bags because I know that means this is really all over. I won't be working with those beautiful boys again. It's heartbreaking. I really did fall in love with them. It hurts so much that I couldn't say goodbye to them. I was given the opportunity but I was a wreck and I know I wouldn't have been able to say goodbye. I will miss their smiles, I will miss how they made me laugh, and watching them learn and grow.

Beautiful Things

I went on a walk today. For the first time in what seems like ages, I thought I'd play some music on my walk. I haven't enjoyed music leisurely in probably two years. I wish I was joking. I used to enjoy music leisurely every minute I could. Difficult times changed that for me.

Things have been changing so quickly, and wonderfully. For the first time, today, I had the actual urge to listen to music. Beautiful.

On my walk, my iPod came across Gungor. One of my [newest] favorite christian bands. It sent me on a Gungor spree. If you haven't listened to their album, "Beautiful Things", do it. Now. Every time I've ever listened to it, it's sent me into a beautiful time with my God.

So there I am walking, and I spot this:

A beautiful patch of flowers (maybe they're weeds, but beautiful nonetheless) amongst a dry, rather unsightly, patch of grass.

That sight mixed with this song (the video above), made me absolutely melt on the inside. God is beautiful, and makes beautiful things among ugly things. I've known that for a while. But you know that feeling you get, when things are reaffirmed to you? It's like learning it all over again.

This realization made me look at things around me differently. We live in a decent apartment complex here in Minnesota (not for much longer, though!). It has its unsightly moments, though. And walks in the past have never brought me to think the area surrounding me was beautiful. But God makes beautiful things out of his creation, even when man and time have destroyed much of it. God makes beautiful things out of us. I was not so beautiful in the past two years, my heart became rough and ugly.  

Things are changing, however, and God is making beautiful things out of my (and Jay's) life. It was beautiful before, but with the state of my heart and where it was, I could not see the beauty. No matter how much encouragement I got from my amazing husband or wonderful friends and family. 

Today's walk helped me to see the beauty resurfacing. 

Returning to Me

I had the morning off, so I took a nap and rode into town to check out the cute old-time shopping area nearby the ranch.

On my way there the radio was on, and while I usually turn it off to drive in silence (that only started in early 2011), I let it run for a little bit. The music began to lift my spirits! I forgot how much music can enlighten your day. Amazing, how God created your brain and aspects of music can really effect your mood.

Though I have played music in the past year or so, I've been ignoring it completely...which is so not me.

I feel myself slowly returning back into the upbeat, positive, music loving person I was, and it feels good.

After working with so many babies and 4 year olds at once, I began despising working with kids. I forgot how much of a joy they can be. I knew I couldn't give up on kids because I have a passion to work with them. So I stuck with subbing, in hopes of falling in love with children again.  There would be small moments every so rarely that I would feel that again, and I needed something different. I decided to pursue nannying in hopes that working one on one (or close to it) would help me remember why I loved working with kids. This job that I've taken has shown me the joy I can have when working with kids. I love my line of work again. These kids have shown me, this family has shown me, that I can love my work again. I was made to teach kids, even if it's not in a classroom setting.

When my husband asks me how my day was, I am consistently responding with, "It was great!" or "I had a fun day!", or something like that. That's what I've been hoping for in a job. That's who I used to be.

I used to love music, love kids, be positive even in rough times, enjoy the next work day, and love life. I lost that for a long time. And it's coming back, I am back. You have NO idea, how much joy I feel in my heart.

I am returning to me.

Learning the Ways of Floridian Life

Well, it's my second week of living in Tampa.

I love love LOVE it.

It's such a blessing to be finished with work and feel....uh...good about the day. It's such a blessing to be finished with work and look forward to the next day.

Maybe I'm in the "honeymoon"phase. But from what I can tell, the atmosphere of the home and the other people that have been around for years still love their job. So I see myself loving this job for years to come. Thank you, God, for this beautiful, wonderful, fantastic job. I couldn't have hoped for something this wonderful. I work for an amazing family, and with amazing people. I see your hands molding this job, and how you put this into place for me.

I think about my life without knowing these people and it seems wrong. I feel like this family, and these people were supposed to come into my life, or rather, I was supposed to enter theirs.

The only void? My husband. But, he'll be here soon enough. :) And before that I get to see places in America that I've never seen! So I feel like I am seeing the world this summer. I  am so looking forward to it! And the breaks I get this summer are very generous so I'll get to see him quite a bit. :)



I've been learning my way around this area in Tampa, too! I'm learning pretty quick, which is fun...but mostly I'm learning my way around it because I keep getting lost! Haha....


What else...I'm still pretty pale. Waiting for a time to go get a suntan! My legs are pretty scary to people here (not that they'd admit it), but oh man are they white! We go inside and outside quite a bit, but we are never outside for too long and if we are, I'm lathered up in 50spf sunscreen, which is probably a good thing :)

So, there's a Florida update. I'm loving it here. I was talking to my parents tonight on the phone, and my Dad asked me if I worked today...and I said, "nope! I even worked longer today than I was scheduled for!"...he commented on how happy I sounded. Let me tell you, months ago, I would have never sounded that happy after a long day at work. It's nice to see and feel the difference, the difference of enjoying your job vs. hating it.  :)

I'm still in the market for a church, so if y'all could keep that in your thoughts and prayers that would be great. Jay and I are hoping for a church we can get plugged into! It might be awhile since I won't be in Florida for the next two months or so (due to travel), but I know God has one out there for us!

Another New Beginning

All this week I've been working on packing my bags, and going to good-will, getting rid of things we really don't need for our big move to Florida.

Jay won't be moving for another 3 months or so, but I figured we might as well get a head start with some of the packing. That way he doesn't have to do it all by himself.

Pretty much all I brought with me on "my" move to Florida are my clothes and things that I use to get ready with. Since my living situation is worked out for now, I didn't need to worry about things like furniture, bedding, towels, dishes, kitchen things, and all that good stuff that comes with an apartment. I've got that all taken care of. When Jay moves down in 3 months or so, we will get all of our belongings down here for our new apartment. I even left some clothes and shoes I knew I wouldn't be wearing through the course of the next few months because I had a hard time fitting everything in my four bags :)

So here I sit, in my "apartment" for the next month or so (before the family and I go on the big vacay), listening to the sound of the rumbling thunder and raindrops hitting the roof. It's beautiful. And I feel peace, I feel at home, and I feel comfortable. Sure, I wish Jay could be here with me, but he will be here soon enough. And the cool thing is that during the big vacation I get 2 and a half weeks off (total, separated in to two breaks), where I will be flown to Minneapolis to be with Jay. So even though we are apart for a few months, we get good chunks of time together. I appreciate so much that this family who hardly knows me values my marriage with my husband. This family is full of good people, and I feel honored to work for them.

So I've had the day to run errands, and get unpacked (haven't unpacked yet, I've been so busy these past few weeks that I just kinda plopped down and haven't been productive since I got back from my errands). The family is out of town but will be back tomorrow, so I have till noon tomorrow as well, to get settled in and take it easy. I'm excited for their return, I have missed those two little boys! I heard that the oldest (3 years) was telling people about his new nanny, Meladie :)

Until today, it wasn't really hitting me, the magnitude of this life change. While I was out running errands (light groceries, dinner, and things I needed that I didn't bring from MN) I accidentally took a wrong turn and ended up driving towards St. Petersburg. I figured that out when I somehow ended up on Gandy Bridge (a bridge connecting Old Tampa Bay and St. Petersburg). After crossing the rather lengthy bridge, I was able to turn around and head back in the right direction. On my way back over the bridge I took a look at my surroundings (while completely paying attention to the road haha). I was in FLORIDA! To stay! It's beautiful! I got giddy with excitement and couldn't stop smiling. I just know that this is what God wants us to be doing. Florida is where we are to be, and where Jay will join me in just 3 months. I am so excited to see this adventure unfold! I can't believe that just over a month ago, I had NO idea that Florida would be in our future. Here I am, today, sitting in a future that I didn't know I would have. Jay and I figured we would end up in Florida, we just didn't know when. Funny how God throws things at you.

The past 2 years have been difficult. I'm not saying it will be easy from here. But I finally feel peace about where our life is heading. I feel excited, I feel good, I feel encouraged. Deciding to put teaching on hold (temporary or for good, I'm not sure but I know God has it under control!), was the best decision I could have made for our life right now. It was a difficult decision to make, but it put my heart at ease and I feel relieved. I can now see, looking back, how God orchestrated the last year and a half to make it so that when I saw this opportunity, I saw it as MY opportunity. :)

You never know what's coming your way! Sometimes it's a challenge, sometimes it's enlightening. You just have to take whatever comes your way and deal with it no matter what it is! God knows what he's doing. :)

I am Starkstruck.

I still find that I fall in love you more and more everyday. And just when I think I couldn't possibly love you any more, I do.

Jay Stark, you are the love of my life! God couldn't have brought a better man in my life for me than you. You're loving, selfless, caring, thoughtful, funny, quirky, gentle, wise. The list goes on and on. I'm excited to continue our story and our life together until our time on Earth ends. I'm so glad that I get to grow old with you.