Hola!

Apartment is finally back in order. After moving back to MN, I gave myself a couple days to just...not worry about the mess of my things and making it clean again. When I finally did, I felt good. I always feel better when things are clean and organized.

By the end of this last week I was able to feel like Jay and I could be happy here, too, in MN. I'm not sure why the whole Tampa thing happened, but I'm sure I'll understand that soon. I'm okay and comfortable (even excited!) for what God has in store next. I have no idea where it will be. Perhaps Jay and I are supposed to stay here in MN for a while...perhaps not...perhaps we will end up somewhere else soon. You never really know. And I'm at a point where I'm comfortable not knowing. I'm applying for jobs and *hopefully* soon I will find one...because my "severence" pay will run out in just a couple weeks. That is one thing that is scary, but I know that we've always been okay. God has always somehow provided. So I'm trying not to stress about that.

Heather came this past weekend! It was so wonderful. My only regret (as it always is), is that it had to end. We adventured around Ikea, The Mall of America, Woodbury, introduced her to her first Indian meal, and we kicked butt in the gym a few times. :) As always, good talks and lots of laughs. I'm so blessed by her friendship!

Two weekends in a row, I've been able to hang out with some of my closest friends. Next weekend I won't be so lucky, but I can't complain too much since I'll be with my husband! It will be nice for us to have a couple days just us, with no plans (yet).

I'm not sure what I will do this week, besides apply for jobs. I guess I'm still on the sub-list for a school program (before and after school during the year, and summer program during the summer), so on Thursday I'll be helping them out, which means I'll have something to do besides hang out in the apartment! Woohoo! :)

Well this was another random post, but when you don't have much to do and you've got the apartment clean and have worked out and already ran errands, blogging seems appropriate :)

Adios, amigos!

Downsizing, Heather, Thor, Twilight, SHOWER!

Welcome to a random, no-nonsense blog! If you truly have no interest in reading this, please stop here. You're life will not be changed or moved. I just felt like blogging because I didn't want to get off my butt yet from my workout and shower. *eww-I probably should just get up*

So I've been trying this new thing...it's called "healthy living"-----maybe you've heard of it?

Yes. I sheepishly admit I haven't been taking care of my body. Which is probably not news, because well, when you don't take care of your body, it shows. I just want to be that older woman who looks great and can keep up with her kids and eventually grandkids. I want Jay and I to be old and healthy together!

Can I just say that it's REALLY not motivating when you've legitimately been working out and eating right, and you weigh yourself the next morning and find you've actually put on weight? No, it's not muscle gain...trust me I know I haven't been working out that long to have actually gained any muscle. Nevertheless, I will not lose hope and I will continue to do what I'm doing. I miss feeling great about my body...here's to take 799 of trying to get back in to shape. Haha...instead of saying, "we will see how long this one lasts", I'm going to say "I can't wait to fit back into those clothes!".

Anyway this isn't a blog about my adventure of getting back into shape.

It's just a blog of randomness.

So, I have an interview tonight. For a full-time nanny job. It's for a family of 3, and their child is a baby 9 mos. old! I can't wait to meet them. The mom sounds fantastic (I haven't talked to the dad, but I'm sure he's fantastic, too!). Here's hoping they will find me fantastic as well! :)

Right after my interview Heather will have made it alllllll the way here to Eagan, MN! We shall be spending the weekend going to Ikea, and Victoria's Secret (she doesn't know that yet, I have a coupon and I need...things there), which just happens to be at the MOA so if we spend some time there I won't be upset :) We shall probably also make it to my favorite late night cafe, Uncommon Grounds. Such a cozy atmosphere that makes you want to cuddle up to your beverage and talk with your friends! It shall be so wonderful! Shall, shall, shall! I used "shall" a lot in that paragraph. Do forgive me. Unless you enjoyed it. Then go ahead and continue in your brain enjoying that last paragraph.

Uhhhhhh...so Jay and I are trying to "downsize". In a couple months when our lease is up we plan on moving into a 1-bedroom apartment. Hopefully with a den, but if not we will deal! We've realized this 2 bedroom + Den is insanely large for us. But, we still have a lot of crap (term I use for the word "stuff" though I'm sure you figured that). So after I shower from that workout, I will be doing some organizing and "good-will-piling". And our den is just plain disorganized. I can't even sit at my piano. I would like to sit at my piano. I like my piano. Actually, I love my piano.

OH my gosh. My new favorite movie....Thor. It's not just because I find Thor very....handsome (Jay knows I have a little "celebrity appreciation" for Thor haha), but seriously? The movie kicks butt. And it's just one of those movies where something epic happens where you just want to make a "kick butt" face, throw your hands in the air and say "YEAH! UHHHH!". Which I did do in my brain...because the first time I watched it I was on the airplane and didn't want to make it awkward for those surrounding me. However, when I went to see The Avengers in the theater, you can bet your bottom dollar that I did that. Jay tried to bring me back down. I even clapped at the end. Sometimes those kick butt movies just are so awesome. I feel the same way about X-Men. And Wolverine. And Iron Man. And Transformers (just the first one). Okay, so it sounds like I like a bunch of movies based off comics. Strange, because I've never read them and really don't have an interest to. I just like the kick butt action. Unless it's a zombie/vampire movie. I generally have distaste for those. I wish I could say I felt that way about the Twilight movies. I'm SORRY, okay? But I read the books and I enjoyed them and while I did feel like vomiting much of the time I still enjoyed them. Sorry if that makes me lame. I don't think it makes me lame. But I know people out there think that makes me lame. And I'm sorry you have that stick up your butt. Jus' sayin'. I like what I like, and you like what you like. And I like some pretty cool things.

Okay. Random ramblings done. I feel gross and it's time to get in that cleanin' machine. And LET'S GET TO IT!

Silver Lining

Alright.

Tuesday night I went to bed crying because I didn't want to be there.

Yesterday I woke up feeling hopeless.

I spent most of the morning and early afternoon brooding in my sorrow. I had a cry fest with my Mom.

Billa came and got me out of the dark, depressing, apartment. We went for drinks and dessert. Yum. I needed that. I laughed and smiled. I enjoyed my Maple Butter Blondie and my Peach Sangria.

I went to bed appreciating that my husband was lying next to me.

I woke up still confused, still a bit heartbroken, but this morning, I felt hope. And the love and prayers coming from my friends and family.

It's all going to be okay. :)

Thank goodness, because I am not that person who broods in my own little pity parties.

Two steps forward and two steps back.

I was not supposed to be here today.

It's back to square one.

You know the song that says, "One step forward, two steps back"? I feel like my situation is more consistently like 2 steps forward, 2 steps back. Always back to square one, no improvement to show for it.

I took the job in Florida because it felt like it was all lined up to be that way. Like God pieced that job together for me. And that Jay and I would be starting our lives' in Florida, where we were meant to be for the unforeseeable future. Everything was going so well. Jay and I would finally have the opportunity to get out of the insurmountable amounts of debt I accumulated through school, we would finally be able to get some savings rolling, get a down payment for a house started, and most importantly, I thought I had found a job that I loved. A job that I enjoyed every minute of, a job that was bringing me back to the person I once was. Hardworking, quirky, fun to be around, positive, generally excited about life.

Yesterday at about 2:45 LA time, all of those hopes, all of those dreams, and anticipations were crumbled.

The family was very kind in how they let me go. They are a wonderful family. But just like any other family, they have to do what's best for their family. I don't blame them.

Here's what happened. This family had more than one nanny. And don't go all crazy in the brain when I say, that with me included, they had 3 nannies. Yes. It's excessive, the family knew that. It was actually quite seamless though. They had the comfort of knowing that there would be at least one person with each of their children at all times. Since they lead busy lives, and spend as much time with their children as they can (they are amazing, they really do get a lot of time with them, and every minute of it is so important to the parents, you can tell!), they need to be able to run out of the room at any given second for phone calls, emails, meetings, etc. And when they travel, they take two with, and the third stays home. With long vacations, they cycle through the nannies so that each nanny doesn't get overworked and gets to have time off. Well, as much as I loved the job I was noticing that there were many parts of the day where I didn't know what I should do with myself. Learning when to take over and jump in was tricky because I tried to stay so focused on making sure they got their time with their kids. It's hard when the family is home all day (they both work from home) because it's hard to gauge when you should step in and help, and when you should step back. The lines were always fuzzy.

I did think I was doing well at it. I got feedback from the main nanny and she said I was doing a very good job. The parents would tell me that I was great at always making sure I was nearby when needed. I guess I didn't know I was needing improvement.

But beyond that, the family has also realized that having that 3rd nanny available isn't as necessary as they once thought. So why pay a 3rd nanny salary if they aren't needed? It makes financial sense. I'm not angry with the family. I'm angry at my situation.

I'm also confused.

We moved to Minnesota and I began testing to become certified to teach in Minnesota.

I worked at a daycare, my first education related job out of college. I hated it. Every minute. So much stress, so much responsibility, overworked, underpaid, I came home every night crabby. Nobody wanted to be around me. This lasted for half of a year. I became an ugly person. I was negative all the time. I couldn't wait for the weekends as soon as Monday rolled around. I began hating the sound of music. I loved children but with the socioeconomics that I was dealing with, I found it very difficult to love those children.

So, I quit the daycare, and started subbing. I was making connections, enjoying some days, and life began to be a bit brighter. I began to grow weary, finding that I came home about 1/5 of the time saying that I had a good day. All the other days were tough. It's tough being a sub. You go to a different location everyday, kids know you don't have authority, and they abuse that. You don't get positive feedback, you don't get encouraged or told "good job!". I found one school that I made good connections at but it was in a district that I overall did not like. And you can't apply for jobs at one specific school. When you apply for teaching jobs in that district, and if you end up getting an offer to work in the district, they place you at the school that they want you at. And trust me, I would not have been happy with about 90% of the schools in that district. Not worth the risk.

So I decided to pursue nannying. Why? I looked at what I loved about children, though at that point in time I didn't know why I wanted to work with kids anymore. I looked back to the times when I loved it. I remembered what I loved about it, and decided nannying would be great for me because it would give me the opportunity to work one on one with children...to enjoy their everyday, to watch them grow and be a part of their lives....something you can't always successfully do in the world of teaching. Especially with the work load that teachers are being given...and it only becomes more and more of a load as time and politics go forward.

I found the perfect nanny job. Yes, I dare say perfect. It was perfect. It was as if God pulled everything I wanted out of a job and handed it to me. What else was I to think? Jay and I agreed I should take the job. We had felt a pull to Florida, so we prayed and felt it was God's plan for me to take it. That we would begin our lives' in Florida.

I took the job.

I got rid of [most of] my teaching things.

I stopped pursuing licensure in MN. My one year MN certification is now invalid. If I decide to go for it again, we have to dish out hundreds of dollars again that we don't have.

I dropped out of the music ministry at my church and the kids ministry too. (I know I can easily get involved again)

I packed up a BUNCH of things.

I spent money on things even though we didn't have the money because I knew we would make that money back and then some. Technology and clothes mostly. When you start a new job, clothes are usually something you need to buy, and so that was a given. The technology was making sure Jay and I would have good means of communication when we were apart. I'll likely be selling that technology. I can't really return all of my clothes.

I, for the first time in 2 years, felt like our life was moving in a good direction. That I could finally feel successful through my line of work, that I could finally enjoy it, and build a life that would someday be able to support our future family. To finally work towards a home.

Yesterday at 2:45 pm LA time, my world crumbled.

I'm sick of it crumbling.

I know, yes, I know (please don't do the preachy thing...it drives me CRAZY) that God has this under control. You don't need to remind me. I know things will be okay. I'm allowed to be frustrated and angry and confused and upset. But ultimately I know my world isn't actually crumbled. I just have to rebuild it...again...and I'm frustrated with that. Who wouldn't be? So please, leave alone the preaching about how God has a plan and how God has this under control, and the preaching about how God has something better in store...leave that in your brain. Just keep me in your prayers, that's all I ask. Both Jay and I in your prayers. We need it because we both thought we were doing this, that our lives were moving in a direction that we could not wait for. Leave the preachy talks in your brain...please.

I don't want to unpack my bags because I know that means this is really all over. I won't be working with those beautiful boys again. It's heartbreaking. I really did fall in love with them. It hurts so much that I couldn't say goodbye to them. I was given the opportunity but I was a wreck and I know I wouldn't have been able to say goodbye. I will miss their smiles, I will miss how they made me laugh, and watching them learn and grow.

Beautiful Things

I went on a walk today. For the first time in what seems like ages, I thought I'd play some music on my walk. I haven't enjoyed music leisurely in probably two years. I wish I was joking. I used to enjoy music leisurely every minute I could. Difficult times changed that for me.

Things have been changing so quickly, and wonderfully. For the first time, today, I had the actual urge to listen to music. Beautiful.

On my walk, my iPod came across Gungor. One of my [newest] favorite christian bands. It sent me on a Gungor spree. If you haven't listened to their album, "Beautiful Things", do it. Now. Every time I've ever listened to it, it's sent me into a beautiful time with my God.

So there I am walking, and I spot this:

A beautiful patch of flowers (maybe they're weeds, but beautiful nonetheless) amongst a dry, rather unsightly, patch of grass.

That sight mixed with this song (the video above), made me absolutely melt on the inside. God is beautiful, and makes beautiful things among ugly things. I've known that for a while. But you know that feeling you get, when things are reaffirmed to you? It's like learning it all over again.

This realization made me look at things around me differently. We live in a decent apartment complex here in Minnesota (not for much longer, though!). It has its unsightly moments, though. And walks in the past have never brought me to think the area surrounding me was beautiful. But God makes beautiful things out of his creation, even when man and time have destroyed much of it. God makes beautiful things out of us. I was not so beautiful in the past two years, my heart became rough and ugly.  

Things are changing, however, and God is making beautiful things out of my (and Jay's) life. It was beautiful before, but with the state of my heart and where it was, I could not see the beauty. No matter how much encouragement I got from my amazing husband or wonderful friends and family. 

Today's walk helped me to see the beauty resurfacing. 

Returning to Me

I had the morning off, so I took a nap and rode into town to check out the cute old-time shopping area nearby the ranch.

On my way there the radio was on, and while I usually turn it off to drive in silence (that only started in early 2011), I let it run for a little bit. The music began to lift my spirits! I forgot how much music can enlighten your day. Amazing, how God created your brain and aspects of music can really effect your mood.

Though I have played music in the past year or so, I've been ignoring it completely...which is so not me.

I feel myself slowly returning back into the upbeat, positive, music loving person I was, and it feels good.

After working with so many babies and 4 year olds at once, I began despising working with kids. I forgot how much of a joy they can be. I knew I couldn't give up on kids because I have a passion to work with them. So I stuck with subbing, in hopes of falling in love with children again.  There would be small moments every so rarely that I would feel that again, and I needed something different. I decided to pursue nannying in hopes that working one on one (or close to it) would help me remember why I loved working with kids. This job that I've taken has shown me the joy I can have when working with kids. I love my line of work again. These kids have shown me, this family has shown me, that I can love my work again. I was made to teach kids, even if it's not in a classroom setting.

When my husband asks me how my day was, I am consistently responding with, "It was great!" or "I had a fun day!", or something like that. That's what I've been hoping for in a job. That's who I used to be.

I used to love music, love kids, be positive even in rough times, enjoy the next work day, and love life. I lost that for a long time. And it's coming back, I am back. You have NO idea, how much joy I feel in my heart.

I am returning to me.

Learning the Ways of Floridian Life

Well, it's my second week of living in Tampa.

I love love LOVE it.

It's such a blessing to be finished with work and feel....uh...good about the day. It's such a blessing to be finished with work and look forward to the next day.

Maybe I'm in the "honeymoon"phase. But from what I can tell, the atmosphere of the home and the other people that have been around for years still love their job. So I see myself loving this job for years to come. Thank you, God, for this beautiful, wonderful, fantastic job. I couldn't have hoped for something this wonderful. I work for an amazing family, and with amazing people. I see your hands molding this job, and how you put this into place for me.

I think about my life without knowing these people and it seems wrong. I feel like this family, and these people were supposed to come into my life, or rather, I was supposed to enter theirs.

The only void? My husband. But, he'll be here soon enough. :) And before that I get to see places in America that I've never seen! So I feel like I am seeing the world this summer. I  am so looking forward to it! And the breaks I get this summer are very generous so I'll get to see him quite a bit. :)



I've been learning my way around this area in Tampa, too! I'm learning pretty quick, which is fun...but mostly I'm learning my way around it because I keep getting lost! Haha....


What else...I'm still pretty pale. Waiting for a time to go get a suntan! My legs are pretty scary to people here (not that they'd admit it), but oh man are they white! We go inside and outside quite a bit, but we are never outside for too long and if we are, I'm lathered up in 50spf sunscreen, which is probably a good thing :)

So, there's a Florida update. I'm loving it here. I was talking to my parents tonight on the phone, and my Dad asked me if I worked today...and I said, "nope! I even worked longer today than I was scheduled for!"...he commented on how happy I sounded. Let me tell you, months ago, I would have never sounded that happy after a long day at work. It's nice to see and feel the difference, the difference of enjoying your job vs. hating it.  :)

I'm still in the market for a church, so if y'all could keep that in your thoughts and prayers that would be great. Jay and I are hoping for a church we can get plugged into! It might be awhile since I won't be in Florida for the next two months or so (due to travel), but I know God has one out there for us!

Another New Beginning

All this week I've been working on packing my bags, and going to good-will, getting rid of things we really don't need for our big move to Florida.

Jay won't be moving for another 3 months or so, but I figured we might as well get a head start with some of the packing. That way he doesn't have to do it all by himself.

Pretty much all I brought with me on "my" move to Florida are my clothes and things that I use to get ready with. Since my living situation is worked out for now, I didn't need to worry about things like furniture, bedding, towels, dishes, kitchen things, and all that good stuff that comes with an apartment. I've got that all taken care of. When Jay moves down in 3 months or so, we will get all of our belongings down here for our new apartment. I even left some clothes and shoes I knew I wouldn't be wearing through the course of the next few months because I had a hard time fitting everything in my four bags :)

So here I sit, in my "apartment" for the next month or so (before the family and I go on the big vacay), listening to the sound of the rumbling thunder and raindrops hitting the roof. It's beautiful. And I feel peace, I feel at home, and I feel comfortable. Sure, I wish Jay could be here with me, but he will be here soon enough. And the cool thing is that during the big vacation I get 2 and a half weeks off (total, separated in to two breaks), where I will be flown to Minneapolis to be with Jay. So even though we are apart for a few months, we get good chunks of time together. I appreciate so much that this family who hardly knows me values my marriage with my husband. This family is full of good people, and I feel honored to work for them.

So I've had the day to run errands, and get unpacked (haven't unpacked yet, I've been so busy these past few weeks that I just kinda plopped down and haven't been productive since I got back from my errands). The family is out of town but will be back tomorrow, so I have till noon tomorrow as well, to get settled in and take it easy. I'm excited for their return, I have missed those two little boys! I heard that the oldest (3 years) was telling people about his new nanny, Meladie :)

Until today, it wasn't really hitting me, the magnitude of this life change. While I was out running errands (light groceries, dinner, and things I needed that I didn't bring from MN) I accidentally took a wrong turn and ended up driving towards St. Petersburg. I figured that out when I somehow ended up on Gandy Bridge (a bridge connecting Old Tampa Bay and St. Petersburg). After crossing the rather lengthy bridge, I was able to turn around and head back in the right direction. On my way back over the bridge I took a look at my surroundings (while completely paying attention to the road haha). I was in FLORIDA! To stay! It's beautiful! I got giddy with excitement and couldn't stop smiling. I just know that this is what God wants us to be doing. Florida is where we are to be, and where Jay will join me in just 3 months. I am so excited to see this adventure unfold! I can't believe that just over a month ago, I had NO idea that Florida would be in our future. Here I am, today, sitting in a future that I didn't know I would have. Jay and I figured we would end up in Florida, we just didn't know when. Funny how God throws things at you.

The past 2 years have been difficult. I'm not saying it will be easy from here. But I finally feel peace about where our life is heading. I feel excited, I feel good, I feel encouraged. Deciding to put teaching on hold (temporary or for good, I'm not sure but I know God has it under control!), was the best decision I could have made for our life right now. It was a difficult decision to make, but it put my heart at ease and I feel relieved. I can now see, looking back, how God orchestrated the last year and a half to make it so that when I saw this opportunity, I saw it as MY opportunity. :)

You never know what's coming your way! Sometimes it's a challenge, sometimes it's enlightening. You just have to take whatever comes your way and deal with it no matter what it is! God knows what he's doing. :)

I am Starkstruck.

I still find that I fall in love you more and more everyday. And just when I think I couldn't possibly love you any more, I do.

Jay Stark, you are the love of my life! God couldn't have brought a better man in my life for me than you. You're loving, selfless, caring, thoughtful, funny, quirky, gentle, wise. The list goes on and on. I'm excited to continue our story and our life together until our time on Earth ends. I'm so glad that I get to grow old with you.

The Cat’s Out of the Bag!

Alright, so some of you may have been watching on facebook, and most of you probably haven’t, which is just as fine!

If you follow me on this blog you’ll notice it’s been quite a long time since I’ve posted one. I’m not so great at the whole blogging thing. Oh well.

Well, here I am, blogging to you today because something rather LARGE has happened.

Many of you know already that I’ve been pursuing jobs in nannying, and many of you also know that Jay and I have been thinking about our future, and how we feel that it will lie in Florida.

Well. I applied for a full-time nanny position in Tampa, Florida. And guess what? I got the job! Assuming my trial period goes well. And I’m thinking positive about that because this family is a really great family and I get along with them well. And their little boys? A.Dor.Able. They fun, full of energy, smart, and a blast to be with! They stole my heart in a matter of a day and a half.

*WOAH, Back up, did you just say FLORIDA, Mel?*

Why, yes I did. Seems random? Probably. Seems sudden? It is. I’m writing this blog post because I want to answer the many questions that are probably arising. Because the other major part of this is, Jay and I will be living in separate states for a year, or at least for a few months. That part isn’t so cool, but we both feel and have felt that God has given us this opportunity and that we are to take it. We started long distance, so we know how it works. Yes, we know we are married now and that changes how the long distance relationship would feel. Just keep reading.

So I’ve created this list of “Frequently Asked Questions”. I’m assuming these are the questions I’d be getting.    :D

Q: Why Florida?
A: Jay and I have felt a pull to Florida for a year now. We had a feeling that God would lead us to Florida in the future. Granted, we didn’t think Florida would be in our midst right now, but God is always full of surprises, isn’t He? :) As far as a reason beyond that? When we vacationed to Florida with some great friends south of Orlando a little more than a year ago, we felt at home. We loved the area, and the people. Believe it or not, we seriously considered staying there, and not moving to Minneapolis first. But, alas, God did have a plan for us in Minneapolis, even if it was a short while. And looking back, we both see how God has orchestrated this to happen. Don’t like my answer? Too bad. :-P

Q: Are you and Jay okay?
A: Some of you may be confused as to why Jay and I will be living separately for a year, or at least for a few months. To clear the air, YES, we are doing more than okay. In fact I feel we are stronger than ever before, and in love more than ever before. The thought of living separately stinks big-time, and we know it will be a challenge. We also have seen couples that have to be separated for a year or more (like families where one of the parents is in the army). They survive. In fact, their love seems to grow and flourish. Absence makes the heart grow fonder? I think so. I don’t want to compare this to an army family, I think their situation is much different, but the comparable thing is that they are living separately for a while. And, unlike army families who don’t get to communicate all that often, Jay and I will have the wonders of Skype every evening. We’ve even planned some dates to Starbucks and Applebee’s, you know, places with Wi-Fi? That way we can both go to the place and both order something and enjoy it together. Not the same I know, but it’s something :) I also imagine that with this particular situation, we will work out visits here and there. So, I’ll see him from time to time. And guess what? It’s just a year. We can do it, and it will be over in a flash!

Q: What happens when the year is over?
A: Jay will join me in Florida and we can continue our lives together! We really feel that Florida is where God is leading us. He has peace about this situation, and I have peace about this situation. And considering how big and fast of a change this will be for us, it’s amazing we have any peace at all!

Q: What family are you nannying for?
A: A family of four. Mom, Dad, and two little boys. I would give more information, but until I understand the amounts of confidentiality they may ask for, I will keep specifics quiet. And if they want complete confidentiality, they will get it. All you need to know is that they are a good family, with good morals and ethics. They are so amazing! It is an incredible honor to be considered like this as their nanny.

Q: Are you sure you want to do this?
A: YES! Jay and I are ecstatic and excited about this opportunity. We understand it’s a big change, we understand it seems sudden, but we trust that God is using this situation to bless us and take us to where He wants us to be.

Q: I thought you wanted to be a teacher?
A: Yes. I do. However, subbing this last year has taught me something I would have never learned in Student Teaching, or in my dreams. You see, in my dreams teaching looks so different. In my dreams teaching is a glorious job, where we are appreciated for what we do, where the children are respectful to their elders, where even in a busy lifestyle like a teacher, that I would have low stress levels. I’ve found over the past year that I am a high anxiety person. Teaching? Only seems to increase that anxiety. While I was student teaching, I always had the “true” person in charge to help me. The teacher. I’ve realized over this past year that teaching is much different than I had hoped, and yes, that’s not exactly what I was hoping to realize. I LOVE working with kids. I love working on them in MUCH smaller ratios. I feel that’s where I can truly utilize my gifts, knowledge, and talents. I feel that’s where I can truly get to know the child I am teaching and really see them grow as an individual. Nannying provides me with that one-on-one, or one-on-two work with children. I can watch them grow, laugh with them, play with them, and truly feel like my talents aren’t being wasted. It’s heartbreaking to work in a class of 30 and be the only teacher during math time and not having enough time to help everyone get up to speed. It’s so hard. And I commend teachers that have those gifts. It’s not easy. And you know what, maybe someday I will get there! I’m young. But for now, I feel God has brought me to nannying for a purpose. And I can’t wait to see it unfold!

What else...hmmmm...I can’t think of any other “Frequently Asked Questions”....if you think of any let me know! :D



Well! That will be all for now. I hope you can all see that Jay and I are excited and that we feel this is the right step for us. We know and trust that God is working through this, and that this isn’t something we created.

So. Now you know. :) We can't wait!!!

I must really be something special...

I opened up my devotional book and today's message really struck me. And I thought I would share it:

February 15 (Numbers 3:1-39)

"I invite you to come close to me."

"Anyone other than a priest or LEvite who went too near the sanctuary was to be put to death."  Numbers 3:38

"Did you receive your invitation today? Maybe a better question would be, Did you know Someone sent you one? It's nice to be remembered and welcomed by someone. But when that person is Almighty God, the Commander of Earth and Heaven, the value of a daily invitation can't be measured.

He didn't always let people come close to Him. During Old Testament days, only the high priest was allowed to enter the Tabernacle's Most Holy Place, and only once a year. Commoners weren't allowed near such sacred ground under penalty of death.

However, Jesus' death on our behalf changed that, and we live in the age of grace and warm welcomes from God. Not only does he tolerate us, but he cherishes time with us.

He craves time with us. How many of us crave time with Him? Sure, we get warm feelings whenever we choose to "bless" him with our presence. Even with the best of intentions to make Him our number-one priority, we still get distracted by the all-important items on our agendas. As if He doesn't have a to-do list longer than we could fathom! He doesn't need our time, but He wants it. And He knows we need that time with Him.

Today, spend a few moments sharing your heart and quieting your spirit with Him. That time is sacred, something people thousands of years ago couldn't enjoy. Yet it's yours any time you want it.

Will you respond to His invitation and join Him?"

-This excerpt belongs to: The Daily God Book: A Year of Listening For God by Erin Keeley Marshall-




Wow. I realized that sometimes (more often than not) I have that attitude, of, I guess I can grace my Father with my presence. As if I'm something really special. Okay, I know I'm special, but when that attitude of "I'm going to grace the Lord with my presence" comes out it's really not an attractive quality...

Truth be told, I may have that attitude sometimes, but I really don't intend for that to come across. Truth be told, I do want to bask in my Father's presence, to be moved by Him, to give Him glory He deserves, but I get so caught up in my life that I rarely take the time to do that.

And then I selfishly thought...why does he "deserve" my time? That doesn't sound cool to me. And then I thought about the reading I read today..."He didn't always let people come close to Him. During Old Testament days, only the high priest was allowed to enter the Tabernacle's Most Holy Place, and only once a year...Jesus' death on OUR behalf changed that..."

So wait. Why did God send His one and only son to die for US? Because of our sin.

Wait. What? So God sent HIS son to die for OUR sin. That hardly seems fair. God sent His son to die to save us from our sin that He has nothing to do with?

The answer is yes.

Our God is a Holy, Sovereign, Forgiving God. He is also Jealous. He created us, and had the nerve to give us free will, knowing what that might mean. I then wondered, "Why did God give us free will, if He knew we might stray from Him, especially when He created us for Him?" And then it hit me. Would it be fulfilling to have someone love you, when you made them love you? God gave us free will because He wants us to love Him on our own decision. It wouldn't be a fulfilling love for Him if he made us without free will, knowing that we love Him only because He made us that way. He wants us to love Him because we choose to love Him.

Oh man. So all of this is hitting me this morning, and all I can think is, "I am truly loved. Inside, and out. My sins bare all, and He still loves ME." It's truly baffling. I felt like I needed to share this with all of you who choose to read this...because maybe, just maybe you'll have the same revelations and wow-factors after reading this.

It's amazing that even though I've come to the idea that I am loved by God hundreds of times, and come to the idea that God loves us beyond our sin, and sent His son to die for our sins, but each revelation brings me into a deeper understanding of God's love for me/us. And while I grow deeper in this Love that I am slowly understanding, I feel at the same time that there is no way I will ever truly understand God's love for me/us.

God's love is crazy. Impossible. Nuts. But I am so glad that I have His love. Aren't you? :)

Fable Realizations

So, I stayed up last night playing video games.

What? Yep. I said video games. I have recently been sucked into Fable. I beat Fable II and now I'm on Fable III, this time, with no help from my husband...because I'm just awesome like that (He pretty much helped me beat the whole game in Fable II).

Anyway. I'm not here to brag about my awesome gaming skillz. Or...make me look like a loser... :-P

I was playing video games and got this overwhelming sense of guilt. You see, I've been playing this game almost religiously. And I'm embarrassed to say that I've probably played about 2 hours a day...at least. That's a LOT of time in my day.

Topic switch. I have not been attempting to give my God any time at all throughout my days. To be honest, I don't want to. I used to love giving Him time everyday, and then somehow I lost interest. Probably because I didn't feel that the time with Him was worth it. I didn't "get anything" out of it. There was a time, however, that I did. I craved His Word daily, I craved talking to Him. I miss those days, when I felt so "filled". And when I began feeling "un-filled", I stopped.

Back to video games. So last night when I began feeling an overwhelming sense of guilt, I realized how much time I was giving to video games. And how much time I was not giving to the Lord. Certainly I could have spared an easy 5 minutes (at the very least) to read a passage in His Word and pray sometime in my day, but I didn't. And I wasn't.

So. This morning, before I turned on ANY electronics like my phone, TV, computer, iPod, etc (because once I do that I find it's hard to stop and give time to God) I ate my breakfast contemplating how to do devotions. To be honest I don't even know what to do anymore.

So after a long talk with God (recalling everything I've felt about my relationship with Him in the past few years) I cracked open my "The Daily God Book: A Year of Listening For God" and read the devotion for January 6th. It was about God's faithfulness through the generations. HA. That's something I definitely needed to read. But more importantly, after my reading I continued to talk with God.

After a random list of topics that I prayed about, I eventually ended up on a topic that had nothing to do with today's devotion. I realized that I stopped asking the Lord for opportunities to love people. Because, well, working in retail a year ago, let me just say loving on some people seemed impossible. GEEZ some of those customers can be hard to love. And if you've worked retail you know what I am talking about.

I realized why I stopped asking for those opportunities to love on people. It's because I was hoping to get opportunities to love people that I considered "easy to love". You know, the people who look like they are hurting, and just need a comforting word, or maybe a pat on the back. But heaven forbid I love on someone who has done me wrong. And those were the opportunities God kept on giving me.

God never wants to challenge you with something that's easy. Granted, there will be the times when it is easy to love, because well, those people do need love. But the people who aren't easy to love, they need love just as much. And I'm hoping to succeed at that one of these days. It won't be easy, but if I keep asking God for those opportunities, perhaps I will begin to succeed at loving the impossible.

So my challenge for the day, please feel free to join me :)...

Love on someone today who you don't think deserves it. They need it just as much as the rest of us.

Why I Love You (In no particular order)

You make me laugh.

You understand me. And even when I make no sense, you still love me.

You enjoyed Disney World with me. Even with my ridiculous childlike tendencies :)

You're the hardest worker I know. You deserve the world. 

You want the best for me. Even if it means you don't get what you want. You're selfless.

You see my heart.

You let me know when I'm being ridiculous.

You are honest. I can always trust your word.

You see my tears and try to mend them.

You enjoy cooking with me :)

You love IKEA.

You smell good.

You love God. And you want to please Him.

You care for others.

You want to help other people.

You enjoy making people happy.

You dance when no one is watching :)

You like every type of music ranging from William Fitzsimmons to Nikki Minaj.

You love your family.

You love my family.

You think I'm beautiful.

You open my car door. And shout "stop!" when I'm about to open my own car door.

You married me.

You have braved so many midnight showings, even though you don't like big groups of people.

You are thoughtful.

You make me feel like a superstar.

You understand that even though I say I'm okay, that I'm not.

You went behind my back with my Dad to make sure I had a piano to play <3

You love my love for playing music.

You have never seen me teach, but assume that I have to be the best.

You know I'm supposed to be a teacher. Even when I doubt myself.

You help do "chores" around the house. And I don't even have to ask.

You're so stinkin' handsome.

You're humble.

You were meant for me. God made you that way.

You love Nutella.

You get so passionate about your work.

You help me with every technology discrepancy.

You get so excited about the strangest things. Like Sour Patch Kids.

You buy me chocolate. 

You sing to me. I love it when you sing.

You are my technology geeky husband.

You have made me the happiest woman in the WORLD.

I think I could keep going, but it's time I move on with my day. Happy Birthday to the most amazing man I know. I love you, Jay Stark!

-starkstruck-

Life. As of recently.

Well?

Life has certainly taken a complete turn as of 2 months ago. It seems like yesterday I was sitting there, being a drama queen, whining and crying that life wasn't going the way I wanted it to.

I certainly learned a lot, and a lot about myself over the last year.  I am an anxious person. I tend to live in the future. I envy others. I'm very self-centered.

I also learned a lot to counter-act those not so great qualities I learned about myself. While I may be taking medicine to help my anxiety, I have learned to try and not sweat the small stuff. Or even the big stuff (that stuff is much harder to "not sweat" but I'm learning). I've learned to love what I have now, and to enjoy life NOW. I've learned that Jay and I have actually quite a bit. I love what we have and feel content with where we are. As far as being self-centered? Well it's a battle every day to remember that it's not all about me. But it's not.

So while the last year was probably the biggest struggle of my life, it taught me a lot and has helped me to realize many things. It wasn't all bad either, there were many things I enjoyed through the last year as well.

We are enjoying our new apartment. It was just as exciting as when we moved into our first place in Fond du Lac. Gathering things, and setting up our new place after living with others for over a year. We are enjoying our relatively new church, and the people we are meeting there. Jay is loving his new job and I enjoy subbing - it works until I can someday get a teaching job! Whenever that may be :) However I will need to find something for when sub jobs begin to die out and summer comes, but I'm not worried about that.

ANYWAY!

This last weekend was amazing. So was the weekend before that!

Last weekend Jay and I had our wonderful friends Heather and Tim visit. We had a blast at the Mall of America, IKEA, a late night cafe in Uptown called Uncommon Grounds, making "Pad Thai", and just enjoying eachothers' company. If only we could be closer so we could enjoy eachothers' company more often.

This past weekend I had my friend Laura over to make Christmas Cookies...which didn't turn out but we still made cookies and enjoyed eachothers' company! Jay and I went on a triple date with my grandparents-in-law :), my sister-in-law and her boyfriend. It was SO much fun. And we finished the Saturday with a duet with my friend Allison and ended the night with barrels of fun at Applebee's for half-price apps. Sunday involved church, visiting at the Jackson Resort, and finally, an Ugly Sweater Party.

So what does the next weekend bring? Christmas. After that, I'm hoping for a quiet weekend and then maybe eventually some more guests! :)

I couldn't say this 2 and a half months ago, because of where my heart was, but today I can finally say: I love life. Again. And it feels good.

The Ever Changing "Plan"

So. 

We moved to Minnesota with a plan.

That failed. And our plan changed.

And then that plan failed. (Pretty much we've decided our plans never work. Unless of course, they are the plan God has for us. Which I guess those plans haven't coincided yet. :) But that's okay.)

Our most recent plan that failed was that we would stick it out living with Jay's parents for a long time. We love living with them and they are amazing, but as many married couples could agree, sometimes married couples need their space. Especially newly married couples, who are trying to establish themselves as a married couple. So we planned on sticking it out for a year, or maybe even two years longer than we planned, so that we could save up for a down payment on a house.

Seriously. How do all these newlywed young couples afford a house so early on? I mean, loads of people I know haven't been married long, or haven't even been married yet! And they have a house purchased before they even get married, or get a house within what seems like weeks. Jay and I could potentially afford a house...except for one big issue: the Down Payment. Ohhhh the dreaded Down Payment. It seems so out of reach.

Like I said. That plan also failed. We reached a point last week where we decided it was time for us to move on. With Jay's new job (yay for weekends and nights with my husband!) we could easily save up for a down payment, except it would still take close to a year or more to get a decent down payment, even with a first time home buyers' grant. However, I (and Jay too) decided that it's really about time we get our own space.

So it's back to the renting world for us. Renting out an apartment. Not what we wanted originally, but if we are careful we will still be able to save up slowly. And if it allows us to build our newlywededness (sorry I think I just made that poorly spelled word up), then that's worth it. 

SO! :-D We are happy to report that we have found an apartment that will suit our needs quite well! We are both excited to start planning the set up, future furniture (that will be coming in slowly as time goes), and having our own space that we can call "our own". 

And guess what? Assuming it all goes to plan (which we have learned is not always the case), we will be renting a 2 Bedroom + Den apartment. What does that mean? It means there is a WHOLE room, waiting for wonderful guests to come and visit. :)

We are excited! If all goes to plan, we should be moving out December 1st! I guess it would be okay to pray for good weather? (And by that I mean no snow blizzard? And perhaps above freezing temps, if we are super lucky?)

Just a quick update. That's all folks! Time to make dinner :)

Sighs of relief.

I was so excited this weekend. For the first time in years, I would be playing music with a worship team, and even having the privilege of leading a song.

And then I woke up Saturday morning. I could hardly talk. MAN. Seriously? So Jay and I googled ways to get raspy voices doctored back to normal. I didn't talk at all on Saturday. That is, until Saturday night when I just got so bored of not talking. Did you know how much talking is so vital and important? It takes a lot of patience and work to communicate with no voice.

So. No talking. Lots of tea and honey with lemon, ricola, water, and ibuprofen (I learned from a trusted musician source that it could help).

So there we were (almost) all day, our friends Billa, and Cyle and Caleb (who came up from Fondy) got to spend all day with us. Man, oh man, was it a riot. Billa did a great job of helping the guys decipher what I was trying to say with my charade motions, and we had a few laughs (though mine were mainly silent) along the way.

Here are a couple pictures from our apple orchard excursion:

 The girls.

 A classic.

 The temporarily crippled Cyle trying to hop the rope.

I was grumpy in this photo because everyone was eating apples. And they shouldn't have.

At any rate, my voice improved and I was hopeful that by the next morning, I would be back in business. Hardly able to contain my excitement, I fell asleep Saturday night, in extreme anticipation of being a part of a worship ministry again.

Three a.m. rolls around. I wake up. I sit there, for what seems like FOREVER, but of course it's only a half hour later. I could not for the life of me fall back asleep! Which was sort of stinky because I knew I needed it. But in an attempt to not wake up Jay, I left the room and watched some movie with Michael J. Fox on OWN. Not exactly the best way to spend my time, but I was too tired to do anything else. Except fall asleep.

And then the time finally rolled around! EEK! Yippee! So I made it to the church for practice. But something was off.

Lights flickering, on and off, power going, beeps coming from the electrical units all over. Yep. The church lost power just moments before everyone arrived. And it wasn't seeming to come back on. Meanwhile, time is ticking and we were trying to figure out a backup plan just in case the lights didn't even turn on. We found flood lights and created a cool, intimate atmosphere.

Naturally, being in a huge room, with some guitars and a beautiful grand piano, and no microphones, I couldn't hear anything when I played. So I tried playing softly but it was still hard. Figuring that God meets us anywhere, that we would just figure it out and God would move through the worship.

Then. 8:20 rolls around. (1st service starts at 9) Power goes on, everything starts working. We figure, hey, if the power goes off again we are set, but might as well use it. So with less than 20 minutes to practice a whole set list with musicians I had never played with, we rocked it out. Service began and it went awesome!

Can I just say, I felt alive with that piano. With the other musicians, hearing the congregation singing along. I could hardly contain what was inside of me! That is what I was made for. That is what we were all made for. To give glory to our Creator. Even in times of discomfort and struggle. And man, times are uncomfortable and difficult right now. A few weeks ago I was not giving God glory. Things sucked. At least, I made them seem that way. With what I have learned in the past three weeks, I feel so different. I feel like I am regaining who I once was, back again.

Ahhhhhhhhhh. :) Sighs of relief.

So you think you have it all figured out, huh?

Yeah. I did too.

It flopped in my face. Like a big, fat, whale fin, slapping me in my face screaming, "Na na na na booo boo, you have no idea!!! Neenerr neeener neeeeeener!"

All my life, I figured teaching was my gig. I, Meladie Stark, was (may likely still be...no one knows at this point) going to be a teacher. And it was my calling. And it was my purpose. But also, worship was/is my calling. And also maybe my purpose. So five and a half years in school, BIG, FAT, BUTT loads of money later, I'm scared that things may be changing.

I sort of forgot about the worship thing. I missed it terribly, and look back at my times being a worship leader with reverence and nostalgia. Remembering it as the time when I felt like I was flourishing, like I was doing what I was supposed to do.

I also felt that way when I did my student teaching. Well, during most of it, anyway. So, Jay and I hung out in Fond du Lac, until I finished my Education Degree, so that we could move up to Minnesota, and find the teaching job of my dreams. Jay would find a Starbucks where he could pursue being a Starbucks manager. There in Minnesota, we would be happy. There in Minnesota, presumably in a couple months, we would have our own home, we would have our own life established. Oh, and we would have loads of friends by our side, having cool patio parties, laughing and smiling as we watch the sunset on a beautiful day.

BAH. HA. HA. HA.

Naturally, that sounds amazing. Naturally, we would want that to happen. Looking at that idea now, it almost makes me sick it's so happy. Like, when you watch romance movies and it's so flippin' sappy it makes you sick. Sort of like Edward and Bella. Sorry, but yeah, I just referenced Twilight. And yeah, I just referenced the fact that it makes me want to puke now and then. (But you can bet I'll be one of those sillies who goes to see it still in theatres. Don't judge me.)

Well, here we are, almost 8 months later, still living with in-laws, still jobless (on my part), and Jay just found out that he is forced to be demoted, resulting in a pay-cut. Oh and we are already broke. Anyway, this isn't a blog post about the frustrations of being in the negative, or hoping someone will take pity on us. We know and trust that God will bring us through this time, just as He does every other time. But, this is all a part of describing how our plan flopped in our faces.

So. Here we are, 8 months later, jobless and/or broke to the bone. No friends. Yes, we have family and we are gratetful for them beyond words, but I think we can all agree having friends makes the world of a difference in your life (Minus my dear friend Allison, don't want to exaggerate, here! And our friend Billa!) We still live with in-laws. We've lived with parents for a total of one year now. And up till a couple of weeks ago, we seriously considered moving back to Fond du Lac.

Not because we like the area, because we don't (sorry everyone over there, it just isn't the place for us!). Sure, we know people there which would be comforting and fun, but moving because of a couple friends isn't necessarily legit.  But we considered it. We were getting fed up with our unsuccessful ventures here in Minnesota. Jay and I discussed the idea, and I said, "Look. We've been going to this church for a few months, and we really haven't tried putting our feet out in the water to try and make friends. Let's try a little harder and see how it goes."

So we tried. I tried attending a young women's craft night. Jay contacted some guys in the young couples group (the young women's craft night is a part of the young couples group), and while I don't think the craft night was a huge success, it was a step in the right direction. Same with Jay. Two Sundays later, we actually had some of them approach us after the church service. THAT, my friends, was awesome.

Not to mention, the week after my craft night adventure, I contacted the Worship Director, in hopes of getting involved in the worship ministry. Since I love and miss being a part of a worship team.  I met with him that week, and YAY! I am a part of the team!

Alright! So Jay and I are beginning to see strides of improvement and success. Then....

BAM! It hits us like a ton of bricks. That was the weekend that Jay found out he had to step down as shift supervisor, and go back to being a barista. A pay cut, a set back for sure.  Then....

BAM! We are hit with another ton of bricks. I am (almost) offered a position as an interim worship leader. A job, no less, in my passion field of worship. I won't go in to details about the position, because I don't know where that is going quite yet.

So confusion sets in. More confusion continues to set in after we go to a great bonfire at the worship director's home. We had some amazing talks. And I realize, that yes, I love teaching, and yes, I love worship. So which one do I pursue? Of course, I can pursue both. But maybe not in the way I have always envisioned. Anyone else see the correlation between teaching and worship leading? They go hand in hand. This worship director is all gun-hoe in helping me further a ministry career in worship leading. He wants to get me there, if that's what I want to do! So now, the prayer phase begins.

And then more confusion sets in. After a long discussion about how being happy in life really revolves around finding out what you love to do, and pursuing it. So, the worship director asks Jay, "So, what do you love to do?" That is when Jay responds, "...I don't know." So another prayer phase begins.

Neither of us really know what we want to do. I've always known. At least, I thought I did. We have ideas on what we both want to do with our lives, but we are thinking it's a little different (or a lot different) than what we thought we wanted.

So, we've thrown away our plan. We have no idea what will happen next, but will follow what we think God is leading us to. Let me tell you, since we've thrown away our plan, we've seen so many things begin to brew.

And this is where we need you, fellow readers. We are praying steadfast for God's guidance and direction, and will in our lives. We need your prayers, too! We are excited, finally excited about what is next! We have NO idea what that is, which is scary and won't be easy, but you know what, we have the best Guide in our life we could possibly hope for. Our lives are taken care of. Amen.

I'm a klutz.

Yep! That's me! Mrs. Klutz-O.

I don't know why but the past couple weeks I find myself breaking things. Or scratching new cars. Or breaking favorite glasses. It's not like I try, I just end up breaking things.

It's eating at me more than it should. It's like I can't forgive myself for damaging these material things. Now every time I park my car I will park it far away from the imperfect vehicle. Every time I pick a cup to drink out of I will pick something plastic and old. What's next?  What else will I stress out over?

Bah. Something new I apparently need to work on. Just in case working on the jealousy and frustration of not having my will be done wasn't enough.

Yeah, I'm feeling overloaded and I am not really sure on how to start battling it all.

Although, I have begun to see progress. Just today there is a friend that I envy so much, you see, she has my dream job. Perfect age group to teach, and in a public school. That's what I want! And today she posted a status that made me get that pang of jealousy.

Yowch. I said to myself. And then I remembered...Hey, you. This is something you're trying to work on. You would hope your friends would be happy for you. So I thought about it, and I actually began feeling happy for my friend. I am so proud of her! She has accomplished her dream. And someday, I will too. God has that all mapped out already.



In other news I went out of my comfort zone and went to a young women's craft night that a group of women try to hold every month or so. I didn't know anyone there, I just went on the faith that I would find a way to converse with them and have a good time.

I did have a good time! I'm not saying I was 100% comfortable to be myself, but it was nice. I don't know if I'll be establishing relationships with them, I hope to, but I can't count on that. But I am proud of myself for stepping out there and doing that!

I also contacted the worship leader at this church we have been going to. I meet with him at the church next week! I am hoping to get involved and maybe make new friends! I miss leading worship, or being involved in leading worship. The lack of worship ministry has definitely impacted me spiritually.

I'm still apprehensive about everything here, but God certainly has a plan. Jay has been working on a business idea with his Mom and StepDad, and just recently some new exciting news has come out of that. The business has been quiet for a while, and then this past week (when I was getting way more discouraged than as of late), this new exciting news happened! That can't be an accident :)

And that's all for tonight, world. It's time for this tired woman to go to sleep.

A New Beginning.

So I created a new blog.

I was sick of having to check two different e-mails for my blog, and google+, and regular emails, so I have consolidated all of the previously said things into the one email that I use. So that called for me to create a new blog.

That being said, I am in the mood to blog. It happens now and then, and truthfully it's something I want to try and do more often. I feel that since I am terrible at communicating with some of my closest friends and family, this will give them more insight to my life.

My past blogs have been pretty...uhmm...depressing to read/write, if I do say so myself. Not that I can erase what I have said before, but I can try to begin with a clean slate.

A New Beginning.

I first must begin with explaining why I feel this new beginning is in order. As of late, I have become someone I don't like. People who know me, know me to be someone who is cheerful, positive, and pleasant to be around.

That hasn't been me for quite a few months now. I've been crabby, negative, frustrated, jealous, envious, tired, unmotivated, and the list goes on and on. Basically, the ones I love and see daily were seeing someone they didn't recognize. A stranger in their home. I didn't recognize myself.

For a while there I was really beginning to question our move to Minnesota. Maybe sometimes I still do. It's hard to know you are doing the right thing when it doesn't seem like God is showing you what to do. But how do I know what God wants me to do, if I have been so off track with him for so long?

What led me to become this way? I could blame it on a few things. Change, is definitely one of them. I usually like change. I don't know why this last years' change has affected me so greatly. I thought I was stronger than that.

ANYWAY. I am getting off track. My parents came to visit this weekend (I had an amazing time!), and my husband I had a good talk with my Dad (Mom you were sleeping by this time). Sidenote: I love my husband. His patience with me throughout the past months have been amazing. I don't know how he did it :End of sidenote. I won't go into the details (that I probably don't remember anyway!), but pretty much I realized that all I have been doing in the past months have been looking towards the future, or rather, looking towards a time when our life together would finally begin.

WAIT. Right there, Mrs. Stark. Big mistake #1.

Did I just say that I was looking towards a time when our life together would finally begin? Yep. It stinks, realizing that I have been wasting time looking into the future. And guess what? I even look to the past. Was I ever looking at today? And how life is here, right now, in this moment? I wasn't. But now that I am, I am excited to see myself gain, well, myself back. Life isn't perfect right now. And it may not be for quite a while - wait - actually, it won't ever be perfect. But God has given me this life, this moment, right now, and instead of looking to what it will be, or what it has been, I choose to enjoy it as it passes.

I also have been noticing a rather undesirable trait in myself.  Did you read it before, when I was describing who I had become? It begins with a "j" and finishes with "ealousy".

Yep. Jealousy. Big Mistake #2.

There I was, brooding in what others have. Newlyweds getting their dreamhouse before or soon after marriage, others getting the job of their dream while I sit here waiting to live out my passion for teaching, people seeming to get everything they desire, while my husband and I sit here with school loans, doctor bills, and as much as I love the family we are living with (they are amazing to us, and a blast to live with), the woman in me just plain wants to nest and make our own home. And honestly right now, I don't see our own place becoming a reality for years to come. The jealousy that began rising up in me began eating me up, getting angry at my friends who in reality I should be ecstatic for because they are being blessed! Of course I acted ecstatic on the outside, but who was I kidding? I am sure they could and/or still can see the jealousy sitting behind my eyes.

Jay and I have a very blessed life. I am DONE letting what we don't have cover up what we do have. Because we have so much. Perhaps it's not material. It doesn't need to be. Since when are we supposed to build up earthly treasures?



Okay. So, I'm not saying that I came to this revelation, and now everything is hunky dory. I'm not saying the jealousy is gone, and Ms. Negativity is all gone. But I am saying one thing:

I see the light in the darkness. God is good, I am blessed, my husband and I are blessed. And life is in the now. Not the tomorrow, or the yesterday.

This is a new beginning.